Sunday, 26 October 2008

The Second Instalment: Dialogue Between a Gay Jebus and the Godfather

After spending time with his disciples, Jebus was definitely more gay than usual......

(In the previous segment (link here), the Godfather devised a devious scheme to punish his son, Jebus, for his laid-back, clean cut and generally unbecoming attitude. As the successor and only bonafide son who would someday, in the distant eternity no doubt, inherit the vastness of his kingdom (i.e the entirety of existence), the Godfather needed a strong hand to deal with his Creation, and has no doubt that his another accomplice, the Holy Ghost, was equally hopeless and totally inadequate for the task at hand. Fast forward the tape a little: Approximately 2000 yrs later, Jebus is back in the Heavenly Realms, ogling at the throngs of male-inspired angels, decked with not a spot of clothing except their harpsichords and whatever instruments the Godfather had devised for them, wanking hard at his throbbing male apparatus.)

Godfather (Scanning the Skies with his bionic Eyes): Jebus, my son, where art thou?

(At this point, Godfather finds Jebus, wanking himself away, staring intently at a cohort of angels playing their lovely tune of Godly masturbation. Godfather swaggers along to his erstwhile son, taps his shoulder. Jebus jumps with horror.)

Godfather (Angrily): Jebus, my Son, what the fuck do you think you are doing!!!!

Jebus (Sheepish, hides his throbbing dick in his crocodile underwear!): Holy fuck, Father, don't you know the definition of privacy? Can't you at least knock for Christ's sake?

Godfather: Ah, my Eternal Son, I am omniscient; no window bind can hide you away from my sneaky, prying eyes. Speaking of which, why the hell are you ogling at that bunch of stupid angels anyway?

Jebus (Stammering): I......I don't know, Father, ever since.......

Godfather (Angrily): Damn it, Son, its been 2000 yrs since you were last embuggered by your 13 disciples! Surely you would have gotten over it by now!!!!

Jebus (Casts an angry look at Godfather): Dare you say, Father! Its all your damn fault that I have been in an identity crisis! Before I have to go to this bloody stupid planet, I was a beautiful Man-God, with a flawless face, body and ass! Look at my hands (Shows hands, nail marks on palm)! Those stupid Romans fucking pierced my hands and left my corpse on that crucifix to die a slow, excruciating death. You know how that feels, Father? No! Why I was suffering on that dank, filthy planet, having my ass raped, my body ravaged, and having to learn the skill of carpentry from my stupid mortal father, Joseph, you were enjoying yourself with your martinis, havana cigars and...... (pointing in the direction of the vestal virgins) having a freaking horny good time with your 32,000 vestal virgins!

Godfather: Son, you were raised in such pure, unadulterated paradise, you need the run of the mill to toughen you up. I have no choice. Besides, with your death, I could wipe off my bad deeds of the past, you know, like torturing my minions and killing infidels and whatnots, and hopefully, that with your suffering, I can perhaps increase my standing in the eyes of the average stupid average mortal........

Jebus (interupts): To hell with your image, Father! I can care less! Because of you, I don't even know whether I am straight or gay anymore! (Sobs) And.....and, look at my hair! It no longer has that golden sheen before I visited hell on Earth! And those damn Catholics! They and their stupid Eucharist! Those earthly bastards, filthy priests who spend most of their time playing with altar boys, they offer my body and blood to the masses every other Sunday! And come every Monday, for the past two millennial, my body becomes emaciated, broken, and all eaten up by these pious fools! (Sobs louder) I can't take it anymore, Father! Kill me, or leave me alone to my own devices!!!

Godfather (In a consoling voice, holds Son in arms): Harsh, my Son. Do not feel upset. For I have a few presents for you.

Jebus (Dries tears): Really.....

Godfather: Yes. (Takes cell phone. Dials. Someone on the other line answers): Archangel Michael? Yes, its the Godfather, damn it. Get me the two prisoners I have ordered, now, straight from the bowels of hell.

(Archangel Michael appears shortly; Falwell is on his left, Pope John Paul II on his right, Jebus rubs his hands with gee)

Godfather: Now, Son, I shall leave these two for your own personal amusement. Anything you ask, my Son, you shall receiveth, so long as it is in accordance to my Divine Will.

Jebus (Eyes fixated at both prisoners, salivated): Leave me alone, Father. Your long-windedness is driving me nuts. Now, as for the both of you........

Falwell and Pope (In unison): For Christ's sake........NO!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, 21 October 2008

The Problem of Evil

Hitler: The Personification of Evil?

As human beings go, ego tends to dictate that everything that benefits us has to be good, and anything that goes the other way, such as hurricanes and other natural disasters, is deemed bad. And when people commit atrocities deemed "inhumane" unto others, such atrocities are branded as "evil". But as far as slapping moral OB markers around, religions of the monotheistic variety are more apt to invoke this sense of self righteousness more than anyone else (The evil infidel, the dastardly atheist, etc.)

One of the most inexplicable paradoxes in Christianity, or any other religion which expounds on a benevolent, omnipotent and omniscient deity, is the problem of evil. While most polytheistic religions have no problems associating human weaknesses with deities (e.g: Zhu Ba Jie, one of the Chinese deities which resembles a hideous pig, is notorious in folklore as a lascivious creature), the Christian God, or the deity of any of the Jewish-inspired religions, has had to deal with this paradox of sorts, which can be aptly summarized by Greek theologian, Epicurus:

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?"

Indeed, this conundrum has befuddled theologians for ages; a cursory observation of Mother Nature's callous whims, objectively, of course, will tell you that benevolence, from a human perspective, can hardly be expected from an omnipotent deity, if it does exist in the first place. Death, disease, disasters, all of them have dealt a deadly hand on life on Earth on countless occasions. These are traits that are most likely to be associated with a evil tyrant, such as Hitler, for example (Although if there was a real God of the biblical kind, Hitler would have resembled a tame pussy cat rather than an outrageously murderous dictator). As always, fairy tales of the religious variety hides a very deep, dark visceral reasoning, almost to the point of logical arm-twisting, as I will attempt to present the Christian's case for evil.

The Christian's Case for Evil, Plus a Purported Cure

In this article (link here) from ChristianAnswers.Net, I shall begin to dissect portions of this problem to give the reader a juxtaposition of religious lunacy( from the Christian's point of view) versus simple, logical deduction.

1. Those Evil Babies!

According to the author of this article, babies are equally guilty of sin as compared to the average adult, regardless of their inaptness and inability to utter a single, coherent word, let alone piss of the Sky Daddy (Maybe God hates Babies???):

Since "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23), there is no one who has the right to freedom from God's wrath on the basis of his own innocence.

As far as babies are concerned, and others who may be incompetent mentally to distinguish right and wrong, it is clear from both Scripture and universal experience that they are sinners by nature and thus will inevitably become sinners by choice as soon as they are able to do so.

This deluded idea that babies are somehow evil mini-mes designed to destroy the world stems from the Genesis story of the Original Sin: Adam and Eve ate the apples from the damn tree; they started to wank and screw each other and began a mass procreation scheme that resembles a mass-producing factory of babies, and each baby that was subsequently born had to carry the irrevocable stain of the Original Sin and hence ultimately responsible for the murder of the Jewish Man-God, Jebus. Hence, the askew logic that all babies are sinners, and thoroughly deserving of Hell if they happen to die perhaps within weeks or even days after birth. What a bumper!

Herein lies a severe, fundamental problem: Christians, particularly the Catholics, have tried to justify the fate of babies, for we know that babies, or children for the matter, are technically incapable of comprehending the idea of religion the way adults perceive them (Rather erroneously, of course). While Catholics have invented the "purgatory" as a stop-gap measure for babies or infants who died before they managed to even utter the word "Jebus", the more hardcore Christians will deem infants fit enough, guilty enough, to suffer an eternity with the rest of the infidels and atheists and what-nots in the burning cauldrons of hell.

As far as most people, including medical practitioners, comprehend, babies have minds that are more akin to untainted sheets of paper. While there is research to hint that some people are more susceptible to crime and violence than others from a genetic point of view, the truth is that babies, being babies, are hapless little creatures more at home with throwing tantrums than being criminals (or sinners, in the view of the Christian) of the hardcore variety, or criminals of any shape and size, for the matter.

The idea that a sweet, innocent baby is apportioned guilt with regards to causing the crucifixion of a deity has to be the biggest con job in the history of religious bullshit: If such a preposterous idea was true, one would hardly describe the deity in question as "benevolent", unless, of course, one harbors the delusion that everyone, including babies, are budding masochists designed by the loving hand of God.

2. The Inherent Evil of Man & The Need for a Savior

Christians love to throw in the banter of Jesus and the issue of the Original Sin: Adam and Eve sinned; Jesus came to this puny little planet (Funny why he didn't choose Pluto. Oh yes, last I heard it lost its status as a planet!) to save our sorry asses from the burning furnaces of hell.

As ChristianAnswers. Net illustrates:

"The Lord Jesus Christ, who was the only truly "innocent" and "righteous" man in all history, nevertheless has
suffered more than anyone else who ever lived.

And this He did for us! “Christ died for our sins” (I Corinthians 15:3). He suffered and died, in order that ultimately He might deliver the world from the Curse, and that, even now, He can deliver from sin and its bondage anyone who will receive Him in faith as personal Lord and Savior. This great deliverance from the penalty of inherent sin, as well as of overt sins, very possibly also assures the salvation of those who have died before reaching an age of conscious choice of wrong over right."

Here, the remarks seem to be in direct contrast with its earlier remarks of infant punishment; perhaps the babies could be spared from the ignominious fate of eternal damnation?

Here, the writer spells out the thoughts of the average Christian succinctly: Jebus was crucified for our sins, and while this may sound a little strange to those who are not fully acquainted with Christianity, the punishment was meted out to the Man-God proceeded long before you or I were born. Maybe that is where George W. Bush got his inspiration for his innovative "premptive strike" policy from (smack 'em before the deed's done!).

Jokes aside, one point to note is that while Christians are quite willing to send us infidels into a guilt trip with regards to the sacrificial lamb analogy, what is often not stated is that none of us ever had to decide on his fate in the first place! The idea that someone has already atoned for your transgressions even before you were born (Jebus supposedly was crucified 2000 yrs ago) by a Man-God who happened to rise again from the jaws of death after 3 days smacks of divine condescension to me.

The Thorny Issue of Evil

Whether it is the roasting of cute little babies, or the erroneous idea that someone was punished for your sins before you even have a chance to change out of your stinky diapers, the truth is that Christians who follow the steps of St Aquinas and perform mental flip-flops of this sort are making vain attempts at squaring an unwilling trinity: Evil can hardly be spoken in the same breath as benevolence, omnipotence and omniscience, since it denotes a malevolence or ineptness on the part of the deity.

While Jebus is being portrayed as an elixir for the woes and sins of the entire homo sapien race, the idea that somehow a barbaric act of sacrificing a man to a torturous death (and a Man God, no less!) is not only disgusting, it simply askews our very basic, secular notions of freedom, liberty (especially liberty from torture!) and human rights.

Add to that, a total absence of evidence with regards to the presence of a trinitarian deity (or any deity for that matter), makes the whole case for the Christian's version of evil and entirely phony one.

-"To explain the unknown by the known is a logical procedure; to explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy."

David Brooks

Thursday, 16 October 2008

All Those Herbivorious Tyrannosauruses!!!!

Ken Ham's Favorite Past time: Hunting T-Rexes in His Own Backyard

From time to time, I tend to read articles and stuff over the internet, and believe you me when I say that the internet is a treasure cove for all sorts of information: The good, the bad, and the funny!!!!

And when it comes to hilarity and sick, unctuous jokes, nothing ever comes closer than the website of Ken Ham, "Answers in Genesis". For those of you who have been sleeping on Mars, allow me to give you a brief introduction of this Creationist extraordinaire: He is the brain child and mastermind of the infamous Creationist Museum in Kentucky, USA. While he seems to have an affinity with ham and cheese, some of his wacky beliefs are truly beyond belief.

The Vegetarian T-Rex???

Ken's Version of T-Rex?

Like many deluded Creationists, Ken Ham (Gee I feel a little hungry already!) believes, amongst many unscientific dogmas swimming in his warped mind, that the Earth is approximately 4000 yrs old, that the world was really inundated by a catastrophic flood approximately 3000 yrs ago, and that T-Rex was actually Barney the Dinosaur co-existing side by side with Man, kind of like the domesticated pooches and pussy cats we have today.

In this feedback article (Link here), Ken Ham explains, with his somewhat convoluted form of "Science", the close, almost pooch-like sort of relationship between Dinosaurs and Man. Herein, I shall attempt to dissect some of his most absurd arguments involving one of the most "toothy" (kind of a cute word to use for such a creature) creatures ever to walk on the face of this planet.

1. Before the Fall From Grace

Adam & Eve ate the Damn Fruit; T-Rex started chomping cute little babies after that.......

According to "Ken Science", animals, along with humans, were all vegetarians before "The Fall"; i.e The cataclysmic event when Adam and Eve made the inexorable mistake of eating the fruit from the damn Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil:

Before Adam and Eve sinned (the Fall), man and T. rex would have peacefully co-existed. That is what we would expect from a God of peace. (This seems incredulous to us because we are so accustomed to the fallen state.) In Genesis 1:29–30, God gave animals and man only plants for food. Adam and T. rex would not have feared each other because neither was going to be dinner for the other! But things changed in Genesis 3, when man sinned.

Ken is correct to say that such an absurd idea is incredulous, but more on that later. A look at the scriptures will give us a clue to his assumptions:

Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.

And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.
Genesis Chapter 1:29-30

One could argue that the bible did not explicitly indicate that every living creature on the planet had to be herbivorous after the Creation episode, but since this is not the main subject of discussion, I intend to give Ken the benefit of doubt.

2. The Gentle, Carrot Munching T-Rex?

Before the Fall, T-Rexes were furry, Little Creatures.......Seriously!

Ken Ham goes on to reckon that the real food chain (i.e the raw deal whereby the world becomes one giant restaurant: You either eat or be eaten) would have commenced before or after the flooding episode of Noah. Which means to say that, for a certain, albeit brief period of time (I use "brief" because I am talking in the context of Creationism, whereby everything happens in super light speed time), animals of all sorts were munching on mashed potatoes and green lettuces for their sustenance.

Ken Ham elucidates his point with regards to the suggestion of Man-eating T-rexes:
What makes you think T. rex killed humans? Possibly you have been influenced, as many others have, by movies like Jurassic Park that show the fierce T. rex eating every dinosaur and human it encountered. From the fossil record, the stomach contents of dinosaurs that belonged to the same kind as T. rex have typically revealed juvenile dinosaurs, such as hadrosaurs and triceratops. In addition, some evolutionists have suggested that some members of the T. rex kind even ate plants.

The Differences between Herbivores and Carnivores

A Cheetah's Teeth: Not Suitable for Chewing Vegetation

Before I continue, it is important for readers to understand the fundamental differences between meat-eaters and plant-eaters.

As in most cases, animals have evolved in ways that serve two primary purposes: Survival and Gene continuation. As a result, carnivores and herbivores have taken specific traits to aid survival.

As a general rule, animals possess specific teeth or other specialized devices to assist in food consumption. Most carnivorous mammals develop teeth for the purposes of killing and consuming prey: The sharp, canine teeth of a tiger, for example, is efficient for the tiger in the sense that it helps to tear up its prey for consumption. Or sharp beaks for eagles to tear and dissect prey with the greatest of ease. Herbivores, on the other hand, tend not to require sharp edges for tearing; they require large, flat surfaces to mesh vegetable matter. The flat molars of a giraffe helps the animal to grind leaves before it swallows it. One can hardly expect the tiger to chew on leaves; it would be disastrous for a tiger to sustain itself on any kind of vegetarian diet which requires teeth with a large surface area. Neither can a giraffe tear the tough fiber of a gazelle hindquarters with its flat teeth.

The innards of carnivores and herbivores have also evolved to digest different food materials: Herbivorous mammals, for example, have four-chambered stomachs to digest plant material, and also possess active and enlarged appendixes to aid in digestion. Carnivores, on the other hand, have reduced appendixes and possess gall bladders to produce bile (Stomach acid) for fat digestion.

Different animals deviate from each other in accordance to the food they consume, and judging by these factual observations, it is quite incredulous for Ken, or anyone else, to lump the T-Rex together with the cute, carrot-chewing bunny. In addition, herbivores and carnivores play a crucial and mutually dependent role in the intricate food chain: Without carnivores, herbivores would breed uncontrollably, stripping off plants and other vegetation bare; in time, they would be starved into extinction. Similarly, without herbivores, carnivores will not have food for sustenance. The idea that all animals were herbivores would have spelled extinction for all life on this planet.

The Real Face of T-Rex

T-Rex: The Sort of Neighbor You Definitely Don't Want to Have Living Next Door.......

Whether Ken Ham and his looney friends are fans of Barney the Dinosaur, one can only speculate, but when it roamed the Earth, the real T-Rex was everything but friendly.

A creature of the Cretaceous Period, this fearsome reptile (Tyrannosaurus Rex Translates to "Tyrant Lizard") roamed our planet approximately 65-68 million years ago (And no, they weren't getting pally with Noah and his stupid crew).

More than 30 of this species have been identified, and the vital statistics of this gargantuan monster speaks for itself:

i. Size: Measuring approximately 13m in length, 4m at its hips, and roughly 7 tons in weight.

ii. Has two rather small forelimbs, but huge, powerful hind limbs, a typical bipedal (two-legged) predator.

iii. Has a skull measuring 1.5m in length, with its mouth armed with rounds of sharp, closely-packed teeth up to 30 centimetres long.

To claim that T-Rex once walked on Earth with homo sapiens is an absurdity unto itself; but to speak of a cherry-chewing, docile T-Rex is kind of like lamenting about the idea that the moon is indeed made of green cheese.

Wack Jobs and Their Pseudo Science

Don't Let These Creationists Monkey Around Science Classrooms, For Kansas' Sake!!!

While it is fun to mock at and ridicule these morons for such perpetuating pseudo-scientific, Creationist nonsense, secular folks need to realize, in all seriousness, that morons like Ken the Ham do have the clout, financial or otherwise, to generate enough interest and publicity to smuggle their nonsense into Science classrooms.

By taking their own version of God and Jebus out of their doctrines and slapping it with the "Intelligent Design" brand, Christians have been trying to smuggle their ridiculous, cherry-munching T-Rex ideas into classrooms, and it would be a shame if such horrendously eschewed myths are taught in science classrooms as "Science".

After all, cherry-munching T-rexes do not exist (Barney the Dinosaur doesn't count).

"Today, the theory of evolution is an accepted fact for everyone but a fundamentalist minority, whose objections are based not on reasoning but on doctrinaire adherence to religious principles.
-Dr. James D. Watson, winner of the Nobel prize for his co-discovery of the structure of DNA

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

The "Thank Gawd For Shit" Campaign: Poverty, Child Mortality & The Great Divide

Victim of Faulty Health Care Distribution & Poverty: A one-year-old baby suffering from malaria is treated at a Medecins Sans Frontiere hospital in Monrovia.

While many of the developed nations today are suffering from the ill-effects of yet another economic depression, much has been written about the struggling middle class and their mortgages; more and more people are getting depressed over their lost pensions, and people in general are, well, not doing very well in terms of wealth and spending prowess.

It is human nature, I guess, to whine and bitch about the rich, obnoxious fat cats (or CEOs), with their limousines and extravagant lifestyles, and how their unscrupulous dealings have snowballed into the economic crisis we know today.

What is hardly mentioned, however, are the impoverished children, children we hardly ever see mentioned on the news, the disturbing photos of bloated, emaciated children who die by the millions every year because of a lack of the most basic amenities and the most basic medical health care.

Shocking Statistics

As citizens living in the 21st century, it is almost impossible to fathom how some of the poorest nations, which makes up a staggering 3 billion people, get by with less than $2.50 a day (World Bank, Aug 2008), & 80% of the world gets by on less than 10.

Such appalling statistics translates to even more staggering news when it comes to standard healthcare and medical services.

According to the latest WHO report:

1. The differences in life expectancy between the richest and poorest countries now exceed 40 years.

2. Of the estimated 136 million women who will give birth this year, around 58 million will receive no medical assistance whatsoever during childbirth and the postpartum period.

3. On a global scale, the average spending on health care for all government expenditures can range from US$20.00 to US$60.00 per annum.

4. Exponential increases in healthcare drives 100 million people below the poverty line on an annual basis.

5. Child mortality rates coincides with wealth distribution: In Nairobi, for example, the under-five mortality rate is below 15 per 1000 in the high-income area. In a slum in the same city, the rate is 254 per 1000.

Thank Gawd For Shit

As you spend the day fretting about
the economic crisis, or selling your favorite Ferrari at a hefty loss, just remember that 25,000 children under five have perished while you spent your 24 hours fussing over your sorry loss.

And if you are a Christian who thinks that Gawd does love all those innocent, wide-eyed children, as so depicted in Jebus paintings
, then he really is not doing a decent job in keeping children alive. Makes all those "pro-life" fetus lovers of Jebus look really stupid, if you ask me.

Of course, a Christian has his right to kissing a deity's ass: After all, Gawd of the Scriptures (Koran or Jewish) isn't quite as cuddly as religious people are apt to believe. Keep in mind, though, that if your omnipotent Gawd exists to fuss over our puny existence, there is but one option left for your pious, sheep-life, mangled brain:


-"Poverty is like punishment for a crime you didn't commit. "

~Eli Khamarov, Lives of the Cognoscenti

Gawd hates children: 25,000 dead children everyday. That's like slamming a hundred 747 Boeings into skyscrapers every single fucking day. This one sure rates highly on my shit factor scale.
Shit Factor: 9.5/10.
(Just slightly shy of a perfect score. Keep up the good work, Jebus!)

Friday, 3 October 2008

Biblical Odyssey: Wanton Sperm Spills Lead to Divine Damnation

Whenever the issue of sex and its related activities crop up as topics of discussion, all too often, religious twits have found cause to limit sex within the religious realms of "procreation": Sex, it seems, is an engaging activity only to be practiced within the confines of a state (and religion)-sanctioned marriage. Anything else that exists outside this tripartite contract between the spouse and the state, and some will also include God in this complex relationship, is considered deviant in the eyes of the Divine.

This readiness to inculcate a sense of guilt in normal, sexual activities is not merely restricted to couple sex & multiple-couple sex; even the seemingly harmless act of masturbation is seen as an affront to the Sky God! The staunchest of Christians and Catholics (& usually the dumbest of the human race) will have you know that masturbation for males leads to blindness, or hairy arms for women!

While we secular, rational folks certainly know better than indulge in some old wives' horny tale, such abhorrence and taboos against the act of sexual proclivities can only be described as extreme and horrendously self-righteous, until we begin to flip through the annals of the good old Happy Bible and begin to understand the real source behind this hostile attitude towards sex and its related issues: Contraception and birth control.

Genesis Chapter 38

In Genesis Chapter 38 verses 1-6, we learn that Judah left his brothers to settle down with a man named Hirah in Adullam, marries the daughter of a Canaanite man, Shua. Shua bore him 3 sons, Er, Onan and Shelah.

Like any good father in the semi-normadic regions of the Middle East, parents were responsible for the marriages of their sons; Judah found his eldest son, Er, a wife by the name of Tamar.

Death of Er

Unfortunately, Er did not get into the good books of the good Lord; having not yet impregnated Tamar, God struck him down in the prime of his life.

Genesis Chapter 38 verses 6 & 7 gives a brief account to this sorry episode:
6 Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death.

Unfortunately, the bible author did not specify the exact nature of his transgressions, but judging by the slew of events that followed, it is not difficult to guess why Er was killed by God's good graces.

Onan Forced to Screw Tamar; "Spills Seed"

After the unfortunate death of Er, Judah, either out of pity for his recently-widowed daughter-in-law or perhaps out of a patriarchal responsibility to carry on his blood line, decided, horror of all horrors, to order his second son, Onan, to screw his brother's widow instead (The bible does not mention that Onan did marry Tamar: Maybe that should explain why Christians tend to make up higher percentages of single, unwed mothers???)!

Genesis Chapter 38 vs 8 describes the sordid one-night stand:
8 Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother."

Onan at this point seemed unwilling to impregnate his sister-in-law; This unwillingness, however, did not stop him from screwing Tamar. This dilemma and reluctance eventually led him to choose the moderate route: He screwed Tamar in an apparent bid to placate his overbearing father, Judah, but chose to "spill his seed" and practiced the world's most primitive form of birth control in order to assuage his own aching conscience. Unfortunately, to his own detriment, for the Sky Daddy was indeed not very pleased!

Genesis Chapter 38 verses 9 & 10 describes the fate of the unfortunate Onan:

9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also.

Like his brother, Er before him, Onan had failed to impregnate Tamar, and the vengeful Gawd wasn't pleased at all with such a wanton wastage of sperm! Clearly, the stench of male chauvinism permeates throughout this tale of sexual orgy and deadly murder, all because two sons of Judah had failed to carry forth the tradition of procreation.

The story ends with Judah having sex with Tamar (Throughout this entire licentious episode, Tamar is portrayed as nothing more than a sex machine!), and hence compensated for the "sins" of his two sons; Tamar even bore him twins! If you want a good lesson in Christian morality, look no further than the Holy Bible.

"Spewing the Seed" & Other Acts Punishable by Death

Sperm Cells: Adult Humanoids That Cannot Be Wasted?

Whether it is the innocuous act of masturbation or birth control, the good book has, amongst other deeds, sanctioned disobedience by children, gay sex, working on Sabbaths and other harmless deeds as insidious, insufferable acts against the Sky God.

Quite interestingly, many Christians, when confronted by myself with these tales, tend to gravitate towards a few arguments:

1. Misinterpretation of the Holy Babble: In order to halt such pathetic excuses, I have generally resorted to posting and commenting on entire chapters of the bible instead of picking on individual verses (Which I still do from time to time to illustrate a point), just so that Christians do not have to use their "out of context" drivel on my blog.

2. The Old Testament is from the Old Covenant: Fine enough. Then stop quoting the OT for your homophobic, misogynistic justifications for your archaic practices.

3. The OT is only applicable to Jews, not Gentiles: Refer to point 2.

And it is on account of such barbaric tales that Christians are so vehemently opposed against birth control, thinking that Gawd's wrath will descend upon those who chooses to "spill the seed". The sheer stupidity of such archaic nonsense can only be perpetrated by morons who believe in such incredulous tales of murder, deceit and an unhealthy obsession with sex.

-"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistant that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel. "
[Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason]

Thursday, 2 October 2008

The "Thank Gawd for Shit Campaign": A Dog's Tale

Throughout Man's gradual, arduous evolutionary journey from hunter-gatherer to the Agricultural Age and finally, the Industrial Revolution, few can argue the role of dogs as Man's intimate, eternal friend: Descendants of distinctly wild, uncouth wolves, dogs are bred precisely for their specific empathy and affinity with Man, so much so that one wonders if dogs have their own litany of prayer codes to invisible deities.

Like humans, dogs can never be sure of their status as creatures on this tipsy-turvy existence: We don't know for sure if Dogs do go to heaven, but one thing we do know for sure, shit happens to dogs too, as a certain pooch will testify.

Tina from Michigan posted this on behalf of her Black Labrador, Mister Jeb:

Jeb's Cool Looks Saved His Ass from the Dog Pound........

"My name is Jeb. I live somewhere in Michigan, not sure where, you see, I'm a dog. First I just want to say, thank Gawd for making me sooo cute and lovable, so my new master would take me away from that awful place called the 'pound'."

Shit No. 1: "Also, the pain I suffered from jabbing a stick into the back of my throat while running in the yard, I THANK GAWD for that shitty incident! Praise Jeebus!"

Shit No. 2: "Oh, and THANK GAWD for that sharp metal that practically sliced off all the pads on both of my feet, Praise all the shitty things that have happened to me, and the good!"

Jeb Thanks Gawd for his Daily Poop.......


Stick in throat, sliced-off foot-padding. Jebus sure hates this Black Labrador!!!

Overall Shit Factor: 7.5/10