Stories of the supernatural, such as Man being swallowed by a fish (Fishy tale of Jonah being swallowed, and curiously not chomped into itsy-bitsy pieces, by a giant fish), and of course, the topic of discussion today: Noah's Ark, is being pandered about as truth.
To give credibility to the story, some of the more religious folks have even resorted to carrying out "scientific, archaeological expeditions" to find out about purported arks that have mysteriously turn up at mountain tops, the most famous being the supposedly exposed "structure" of the ark at Mount Ararat.
Given such a hard sell, is it any possible then, that the Noah's spin could have ever happened?
Noah's Ark: The Story
All aboard! First deluxe cruise for Man and Beast (Let's just hope they don't start eating each other up for breakfast........)
Before I begin, it is important to perhaps illustrate what the bible has to say about the ridiculous flood story that may, if found true, destroy much of the earth's surface, and with it much of flora and fauna on planet Earth.
According to Genesis Chapters 6-9:
1. God had, after some time, found man's behavior to be obnoxious enough to deserve a planet-wide Armageddon (Gasp! So much for a benevolent God!), and that all, except one lucky bunch, Noah and his family, were to be spared from a rather deadly deluge of water.
2. God told Noah to construct an ark, and to bring with him his wife, and his sons Shem, Ham, and Japheth, and their wives. Additionally, he was told to bring examples of all animals and birds, male and female. In order to provide sustenance, he was told to bring and store food for both man and beast.
The exact verses:
"Of every clean animal, take with you seven pairs, a male and its mate; and of the unclean animals, one pair, a male and its mate;
Likewise, of every clean bird of the air, seven pairs, a male and a female, and of all the unclean birds, one pair, a male and a female...."
"Of all other living creatures you shall bring two into the ark, one male and one female, that you may keep them alive with you.
Of all kinds of birds, of all kinds of beasts, and of all kinds of creeping things, two of each shall come into the ark with you, to stay alive.
Moreover, you are to provide yourself with all the food that is to be eaten, and store it away, that it may serve as provisions for you and for them."
3. According to the bible, the length of the Ark would have been some 300 cubits, roughly 450 feet.
4. And so the flood fell upon Earth for 40 days and nights, until the highest mountains were submerged in water. After an astounding 150 days , the Ark came to rest on the mountains of Mount Ararat.
5. As the waters continued to recede, after about seventy more days the hilltops emerged. Noah sent out a raven which "went to and fro until the waters were dried up from the earth." Next, Noah sent a dove out, but it returned having found nowhere to land. After a further seven days, Noah again sent out the dove, and it returned with an olive leaf in its beak (How that olive tree survive underwater for more than 150 days, hell, only Zeus knows!), and he knew that the waters had subsided. Noah waited seven days more and sent out the dove once more, and this time it did not return. Only then, did Noah and his family, along with the incredibly stressed-out animals, leave the Ark (which by this point must have been one hell of a mess and hell hole).
6. Just to add a touch of bloody humor, God has the temerity to hang a rainbow in the clouds like some parody of a sick joke, and saying, "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."
Nice touch, God. Seriously, try to imagine Hitler pasting pictures of rainbows outside each and every gulag camp he had painstakingly built across Europe. Must have been a welcome sight for tortured souls.
A Sensible Analysis On the Implausibility of Noah's Bullshit Story
Now that we have a slighter better understanding of the incredible fable-cum-slaughtering odyssey, we may begin to examine and discern the details of these events critically, from a scientific point of view of course, and seriously debunk the notion that not only do such a cataclysmic flood of such a global nature couldn't have happened, Noah and his family could not have achieved the incredible feat of keeping all these animals under one roof (or one Ark) successfully for more than 150 days.
1. Building the Ark
Assuming that Noah didn't have access to modern metallurgy, Noah's putty Ark would have to be made of wood. Given the ridiculous length of 450 feet ( very lengthy indeed, by ancient maritime standards), an Ark of this proportion would have been suspect from a seaworthy point of view. Without the aid of iron straps or other self-sealing mechanisms, the Ark would most likely resemble a bath tub than a ship of any sort.
Unless Noah could have access to a modern day pump (or a series of pumps, to be precise), Noah's ark would have to be converted to a submersible before it could even be considered a sea-faring vessel.
2. Magnitude of the Flood
A "flooding" Episode of Noah's Odyssey would have resembled something like this... could Noah's Ark have survived such a tumultuous episode?
The bible speaks of a flood that would have "covered the highest mountains", and if we are to take the scriptures literally, Mount Everest would be the marking point where the floods would have exceeded.
To call such a disaster a "flood" would be a complete understatement: The waters that would have fallen to "cover the mountains" would have required a volumetric rate that would almost resemble a bloody hydraulic drill!
In short, unless the Ark was made of titanium or other forms of super-annealed metal, the deluge of water would have punched enough holes into the Ark to sink it within a matter of secs, let alone the 150 days of transversing the flood waters.
Obviously, the scripture writers had no inkling with regards to Mount Everest, and the idea of force would definitely not have dawned upon this addle-brained fools of the lord.
3. Where did all the Water Come From?
Another knotty problem that Creationists have difficulty unraveling is the presence of such a massive amount of rainfall: Even if all the polar caps at both the north and south poles were to melt simultaneously, all seven continents couldn't have possibly flooded to the high mountains, let alone the amount of atmospheric moisture in the clouds that were supposed to pour down all within the space of 40 days.
Just how do Christians counter this rather innocuous argument?
Well, according to one theory (Point to note: This is not a scientific theory, as there is no scientific evidence to warrant this), a layer of canopy was supposed to "suspend" water in the atmosphere until, well, someone with the title of "God" decides to rapture the damn canopy (Damn those raptures!).
Before we dismiss this cock-and-bull story, maybe a few questions could be raised:
i. What was the canopy made off? Rubber canvas? How could it possibly hold so much water?
ii. Did God punch holes into the canopy so that it could "leak" like some old leaky pipe, or did he just grab a pen knife and cut a slit on the rubber canvas?
iii. If there really was that much water in the atmosphere, wouldn't the atmospheric pressure be far higher than we experience today? If that is so, oxygen and nitrogen levels would have been built up to toxic levels quite easily, and wouldn't that kill off most life on the planet before God had the chance to kill even a bloody mouse?
iv. What about light? How much light would have been filtered off by the firmament of water before it reaches Earth? How could plants survive on such paltry rays of light? Well, I guess plants of that era didn't exactly photosynthesize, maybe they just made food from reading bible scriptures!!!
And then, of course, there is the Hydroplate theory, which fairs worst: Huge bodies of water trapped within the Earth's crust is suddenly raptured (Damn the raptures! What's with these bible writers anyway? Too much hymen fixation???), water shoots into the sky, and falls down as rain!!!
So much for Christian science.
4. The Animals: Traveling Impossible Distances?
Assuming that the Ark could fit every damn land animal and bird in pairs and in sevens, one would think that these animals may actually not have found their way to Noah's cramped Ark.
Polar Bears: We need Ice, Not Floods!
Noah's location would have been somewhere near or in the Middle East, and one would assume that animals, such as polar bears, would have a torrid time trying to locate the ark. Try imagining this: The polar bear has to track, by sea, from the Arctic regions, to mainland Europe/Asia, and then trudge by foot to central Asia. The distance aside, the gradually-warming weather and the need to find suitable food would have killed off the polar bears before they even have the honor being killed off by the floods.
And it is not only the polar bears who will actually struggle in the massive heat of the middle east. The slow-as-snails sloth is not going to inch any nearer towards Noah from the South Americas, let alone swim across the Atlantic Ocean! And the half-dreamy koala bears from the Australian Continent couldn't possibly have made it without lugging their precious eucalyptus leaves (Koala bears are fussy eaters)! Oh, and those poor penguins with their pudgy stomaches and shorty legs....wouldn't have made much sense making them walk overland, eh?
In short, even if the animals were somehow "enlightened" to travel to Noah's location, most of these animals would not have been well suited to make their respective journeys. Either the journey or the severe weather, or a combination of both, would kill them off before the flood had been initiated.
5. Logistics and Overloading
Given the sheer numbers of animal species, the ability of the ark to hold even the minimal required numbers would have been a Herculean challenge.
According to the Bible, Noah was instructed to carry "clean" animals in numbers of 7; birds, beasts and "creeping things" in pairs.
Assuming that "creeping things" imply insects, then by conservative estimates, Noah would have had at least ten million species on board, and two-thirds of them would have been insects.
Noah and his accursed family would have to be extremely brilliant biologists to keep all these animals and insects from going crazy from being cramped together into the putty boat.
Space considerations for these animals would have to include caging space, and space for these unfortunate creatures to exercise. Given the dimensions of the boat, one would consider space to be of optimum premium.
Look out!!! Incoming Bullshit On Board!!!
Besides the obvious problem of space, Noah and his crew would be required to clear all the waste materials (i.e Shit) from the animal pens. It sounds like a mundane chore, but when you have something like a couple of million different animals stuck together in a dinghy boat, sanitation can become quite a stinky problem. And as far as animals' digestive system goes, the adage "what goes in must come out" applies, flood or no flood.
To put it more succinctly, animals shit, and they aren't going to go about their business in a civilized and orderly manner, and given the sheer numbers of animals on board, I am not about to buy into the "toilet-training" routine being dished out by Noah and his small little chain gang of a crew.
Even if we assume that Noah has built an intricate flushing system for these animals, there would still be an underlying problem of cleaning these cages, and given the sheer numbers involved, cleaning would have taken up every minute of their time, and it still wouldn't be enough.
6. Food
Yet another thorny issue for Team Noah. Different animals have different, specific dietary needs: Panda bears eat bamboo shoots almost exclusively, not to mention that lions eat sheep (put them both in the same pen, and one would invariably become extinct on board Noah's hellish Ark).
As well as sourcing space to store all the food (Which again goes back to logistics), the sheer magnitude of investigating the exquisite palates of each and every single fauna on board would have been a mind-boggling headache!
Justifying The Noah's Ark: A Tale of Deception and Wacky Theories
In sum, the Noah story is incompatible in every aspect: If one is to believe in such a supernatural tale, one would have to inject incredulous miracles to support this amazingly cruel and despotic event. In short, a desperate leap of faith.
The Rainbow: Just the Splitting of light through a prism (in this case, water acts as the prism): Not some fucking sadistic feel-good symbol of mass murder
And the rainbow story? Well, it kind of adds a warm, heart-felt touch to what is otherwise a toxic dosage of mass-murder, ecological destruction and divine insanity.
Oh well, since GOD can do anything, why waste your breath?
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen the Star Trek episode where the Christian God is portrayed as a spoiled & petulant child? It's as close to the truth as anything, IMO.
try to imagine Hitler pasting pictures of rainbows outside each and every gulag camp he built across Europe. Oh, how the Christians spin their straw into gold...
Nothing but myth! That's all it is. & to think modern human beings will deny science that really edifies them & cling to myths & fairy tales.
Ha ha ha. Seriously, I>t, I was really wondering how I actually bought into this shit when I was still a believer in my own Baptist Church.....
ReplyDeleteSeriously......the Noah's ark tale is actually quite gruesome...and christian publishers somehow have the cheek to turn this gulag bullshit into a children's bedtime story.....goodness me....
What science cannot explain you deny only because you do not wish to acknowledge the power of a Creator you cannot physical see or understand.
ReplyDeleteHere is a link:
http://www.space.com/news/060309_ark_update.html
"Skeptics say that the satellite images don't prove anything and that someone will have to actually examine the objects in person."
But we Christians would expect as much. :)
Ha ha ha ha ha.
ReplyDeleteMr Splinter, how about trying to surmount all the problems I have listed about the flood, instead of trying some bullshit about some stupid nonsense on Mount Ararat?
Supposed that funny thing is an ark, would that even prove that such a flood actually took place, or that such supernatural events be possible?
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs.
"I was really wondering how I actually bought into this shit when I was still a believer in my own Baptist Church....."
ReplyDeleteCare to share how you 'deconverted'? I'm curious. Maybe write an entry about it sometime.
Oh and great post by the way! Hilarious at some parts =)
Hi Sailesh.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the compliments.
As for my deconversion, I actually wrote about it in my previous blog, but it would be quite difficult to find, and I think I would consider writing a brand new deconversion article somewhere in the next article or the following one.
Regards
Beast
1] How that olive tree survive underwater for more than 150 days, hell, only Zeus knows! - Why could it not simply be new growth?
ReplyDelete2] Noah and his family could not have achieved the incredible feat of keeping all these animals under one roof (or one Ark) successfully for more than 150 days. - This is simply a denial of the power of God that could have caused them all to sleep the whole time.
3] Where did all the Water Come From? - Genesis 1:7 says “God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.” Genesis 7:11 says “the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.”
4] The Animals: Traveling Impossible Distances? - How do you know where all of the animals were before the flood or the climates they existed in? Why not consider your microevolution as the there being one type of bear (one deer, one rabbit, etc.) that contained all genes and simply relocated after the flood as different traits became dominate in different regions over hundreds instead of millions of years?
5] Logistics and Overloading - Again, there didn’t have to be every type of bear did they? Your on desire for evolution says there didn’t have to be. Also there is no reason why the animals could not have slept, then there would be no need for eating, drinking, or pooping.
Most of what you have written here is only your own creative mind or simply poking fun at what you choose not to believe, so forgive me that I realize my answers (though asked for) will most likely not be accepted. But I have reframed from commenting on most of your non supported ideas that neither prove what would have happened or what did or did not happen. A lot of what you ponder is unavailable to you to even theorize about, for there is no way for you to know of the climate, settings, etc. of the days before the flood.
I do find it interesting how you can demand so many answers regarding this when it is no more difficult to believe in the biblical account of Noah than it is in the science account of the Big Bang.
So as I have heard others speak of the proof of the Big Bang is oberservable today, so will I say of the flood of Noah’s day. The Grand Canyon, fossils, etc. prove that indeed a flood covered the world changing it completely from its original form, killing all life outside of the ark and burying them within the sediment layers of rocks in which we now find their fossils.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs. - Exactly, this is why macroevolution and the Big Bang are still in debate and are not absolute truths.
As far as the christians & their periodic "scientific" searches for Noah's ark...One has to wonder if it's themselves they are trying to convince.
ReplyDeleteWhen i was a kid & indoctrinated into this stuff, it wasn't that hard to believe it. When I became a christian as an Adult it was a different story. I really couldn't swallow it as fact. I figured I could just work around it.
Now that I am one of the un-born again, I reconize these OT stories as myths...in fact the same concept as the myths of the Pagans living in that ancient time...
An interesting thing to ponder, is that the myths of the people that became the Jews, were incapsulated in time because of the fact that their religion with it's important connecting myths has continued intact, & since the Jewish God has been incorporated by the Christians who have also inherited the incompanying myths, we have living, breathing modern people believing in ancient superstitions!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMr Splinter:
ReplyDeleteI shall only answer your questions based on the Noah's Ark:
1. Olive Tree: 150 days of submerging in water reaching the mountains: Again, does the idea of photosynthesis ring a bell? How would sunlight be filtered through such a deep expense of water?
Even if the tree had survived the sheer force of such a "flood", it would have died from the lack of sunlight.
2. You claim that God sort of "put every animal to sleep". That would be strange indeed, given the tumultuous situation on board. All those ten million species hundling together....hibernating? Sounds very far fetched.
3.Ok. That water firmament. Address my questions: What was the firmament made of? How could it hold that much water, and in what form? With so much water on top, wouldn't we suffocate from the build up of toxic gases?
3.IF you claim that all the animals were "located" at roughly the same locations before the flood, you still cannot explain how the sloth and the koala and the polar bear made it to their respective habitats after the flood!
4.Grand Canyon: The grand Canyon is proof of millions of years of erosion, not a sudden deluge of water. The Grand Canyon is made up up hard rocks and minerals. A sudden deluge of water could not possibly form the grand canyon. I knew this even when I was studying in Secondary School.
5.If the animals wouldn't need to eat or sleep or shit, why then, did god tell noah to bring in food? Why was it not mentioned? How did all the animals hibernate all at once? Hypnotism?
6.You claim that the climate was "different" in the days of Noah. Oh ok, but polar bears still need ice, and penguins are still short and stubby. And they can't all travel to the ark and transverse all that distance?
Unless you are telling me that the continents were all smashed together into Pangea (A sort of single continent millions of years ago), then the 7 continents would have existed, and climate changes would be just about the same.
7. For someone who doesn't believe in evolution, you have the temerity to suggest that evolution could have turned one species of bear or rabbit to many species!
Suppose you take a brown bear on board, and the polar bear becomes extinct. How the heck could Noah replicate a polar bear from a brown bear, given them both are the results of their own specific environments, and that their lineage would have been separated by at least a few hundred thousand years?
In short, Noah's ark is bullshit, and you just proven it.
Excellent! And wickedly funny.
ReplyDeleteBut pointless. You'll never convince a believer that he or she has wasted all the time and emotional energy invested in believing.
It takes a crowbar and a blow torch to remove those scales on the eyes.
(Loved the "What about all that food?" comeback.)
Timmy you've proved our point... Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs. - Exactly, this is why macroevolution and the Big Bang are still in debate and are not absolute truths. Science never claims to have absolute proof, that is the difference between science & religion. Think about it...
ReplyDeleteI>T
ReplyDeleteThat, in science, is called "potential falsifiability".
This means that any scientific finding or knowledge has the potential to be wrong, in some parts, or in whole, and that if you have the evidence and scientific data to back your claims, you can actually refute a certain mechanism in a scientific theory.
In short, science is an honest endeavor to seek the real truth. It is not a fixed doctrine, and as such is far more useful than mere religion.
yeah, that's what I meant. :)
ReplyDeleteJust when things were getting fun, too...I really do have to put my computer away for a while.
I'll try to check up on you once in a while. keep up the good work.
I honestly don't know why I am taking the time to write this, for [1] I realize nothing I write
ReplyDeletewill convince you for you do not believe in God or accept the Bible and science has not proven
this for you (yet) and even if the ark were discovered you have said it doesn't prove the story, and [2] most of what you have written is merely your joy of mocking Christianity and not really in search of spiritual supernatural answers since you accept only the natural.
1. For a God that created everything by His spoken word and that was powerful enough to flood the entire world, it would be but a small thing to cause the tree to survive or simply grow a new one.
2. I said "could have" and again your denial of God, and His power, keeps you for excepting any type of supernatural event that your science cannot explain. Also you fell to realize that humans and animals were fine with each other until after the flood [Genesis 9].
3. I haven't a clue. Maybe the firmament is simply space, for Scripture tells us that he placed the Sun, Moon, and stars into this firmament. As for "wouldn't we suffocate from the build up of toxic gases?", maybe they all evolved while in the Ark. lol
3. They most likely walked or was brought by people. Of course they could have flown and swam, the ones who could.
4. Oh, so a whole shaking of the earth with water pounding from the heavens and coming up from the ground would leave no signs. Okay.
5. I was incorrect on this. You were right God did tell Noah to bring "food for thee, and for them."
6. I claimed nothing, but asked "How do you know where all of the animals were before the flood or the climates they existed in?" How do you know that they needed that before and didn't simply microevolve into that after the flood?
Maybe the continents were together before the flood and seperated after. A world wide flood could account for much that we see today.
7. Two brown haired people can have a blond right? Isn't there evidence of white people having a black child because of the genes they carry. Hmmm... Black bear, brown bear, white bear... I could be wrong, maybe every type of bear was on the ark. I wouldn't have a problem with that either.
In short you have not "absolutely" disproven Noah's ark, you have only proven that you do not believe in a Creator to do that which Scripture says happened. But I guess you haven't "absolutely" proven that you don't believe in a Creator either. :)
Oh gosh. This is really degenerating into a farce.
ReplyDeleteBefore I begin, allow me to explain that,I am not even discussing Christianity here. I am merely dissecting the plausibility of the Noah's ark tale.
1. I don't think you get my olive tree explanation correct. I am saying, the flood was so great that it covered the mountains, and wouldn't that kind of water filter off most of the sunlight that would otherwise reach the land? Without sunlight, how would olive trees photosynthesize and make food for survival? Are you saying that plants before the flood did not photosynthesize???
2. If people did bring the animals to the ark, then logic would be that they believed that the flood was real, right? Then why would there be only 8 people on board? And even if people were to bring animals on board, are you sure that they did travel to South America to bring all the millions of exotic frogs, insects, sloths etc to the ark? Note that the Amazon contains one of the highest concentrations of fauna...you can't negate the animals living there.
3.I think you misread me again about the firmament. I was saying that if the firmament existed before the flood, many animals that are alive today, including us, couldn't exist with this kind of firmament, largely because of the extreme atmospheric pressure and the buildup of toxic gases, not about how these animals could survive this anomaly during and after the flood.
4.A whole deluge of floods would have left signs, but it wouldn't carve up a Grand Canyon.
For one thing, fossils might have turned up on one single strata, not a whole range of different stratas of soil, which, as it turns out, proves evolution correct.
5. See what I mean when I say atheists and infidels know the bible more than Christians? Like a typical Christian, you don't even do your homework before you communicate with infidels. How exactly are you going to convert a hardcore atheist like me (Assuming you can, which you obviously can. Tsk tsk).
6.The continents couldn't have been smashed up into one giant continent (Pangea) during Noah's time. If you have any idea what the Tatonic plate theory means....you would know that frequent earthquakes would move the continents...kind of like a few centimetres a year. Given this rate, we can safely predict that the continents were placed roughly about the same positions as they are today.
If the climates were vastly different, I would venture to say that some of the species alive today wouldn't be around during Noah's time, which would hardly be the case.
7. I think you are truly mistaken about the bears. Polar bears and brown bears are different and distinct not merely by color alone. Their fat concentrations are different as well; polar bears evolve with a thicker layer of blubber than brown bears or black bears. Their diets are vastly different as well.
8. Actually, I don't have to "prove" anything, really. I merely highlight the absurdity of this silly myth, that is all. The burden of proof lies with those who have the temerity to come up with or believe in such a bogus tale.
And finally, your latest retort merely tells me that you merely believe biblical tales without really asking the hard questions, and once again, I will reiterate:
You have just proven it again: The Noah's ark story is bullshit!
lol - You have really enjoyed yourself haven't you?
ReplyDeleteDon't worry I don't believe I have come across as trying to convert you, by reading what you have written here and at my blog it appears that you can't be told much unless you already agree with it.
Don't take this as anything but my personal observation. You have felt free to share your thoughts of me here and elsewhere so I am sure you will take my opinion in stride.
Mr Splinter
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't even convert my hamster into a churchmouse even if you wanted to.
You can tell me as many things as you want, Mr Splinter, but I will simply refute them if they do not conform to the standard parameters of truth, logic, rationality and science.
Its nothing really personal, although truth be told, you aren't really all that good a debater. Get your head honcho (some head religious leader) to come and debate with me, or someone with a better intellect acumen to satisfy my big fat ego.
Cheers and Amigos
Beast
Hey you guys seem pretty smart...I mean you guys seem to know a lot...so I have a question...please explain if you don't mind how gravitiy works?
ReplyDeleteDEFINE:LOVE(Positiveness)
ReplyDeleteReally, to be as kind as possible, people who believe this stuff are a danger to themselves and others. They should not have children, nor be permitted to drive. Institutionalize them immediately and give them soft food to support their soft brains.
ReplyDeleteNoah's Ark is one giant load of Hebrew Bullshit! How could Noah have known that a massive flood was coming? How could Noah have built such a massive vessels during that time period? How did Noah collect all of the animals across the Earth? If the animals came in sets of 2 them every animal on Earth would be retarded for lack of gene mixing!
ReplyDeleteNoah's Ark is a good child's tale. Thousands of years ago it was believable because people thought that the Earth was flat. Today we know Noah's Ark for what it is, Bullshit!
ReplyDeleteAnd what about prehistoric animals? The Bible says dinosaurs lived with people. Doesn't that mean Noah would need 2x entelodont
ReplyDelete2x carcharodontosaurus 2x quetzalcoatlus etc... I've just been having a look at these guys on some interesting Dinosour sites and if this is the case Noah's job might have been a bit harder than we thought. I know I wouldn't wanna be on an ark with these guys ! and there's lots of even nastier looking dinosaurs !