Christianity's Penultimate Gift To Mankind: Torture Tools For The Everyday Missionary

A Franciscan Missionary, Accompanied By his Favorite Ass

Missionaries: One of the most loathed, over-rated vocations heralded by the masses. The common perception of the long-suffering, ever-patient missionary, preaching the "Good Works" of the Lard, and ultimately being beaten (or sometimes eaten, depending on which way the story is told) is standard yarn spin for most Christian pastors/reverends/Sunday School hustlers, who, in a bid to drum up the "benevolence" of Christianity, will resort to just about every trick in the book to distort the real, unadulterated dark truth behind the sinister history of bible mongers.

The fact that the "Dark Ages" in Europe coincided with the height of Christian hegemony was indeed no surprise to most historians: Missionaries all over Europe were brandishing their most outlandish torture tools: The idea that infidels, heretics, and other "non-conforming" Christian sects were actually existing in the "sacred" lands of Europe's Christian majority could not be condoned by the Church. In order to wring out and destroy these advocates of the Devil, no effort was spared in snuffing out the breath of the ungodly.

With the introduction of the Malleus Maleficarum (Hammer of Witches), torture was further extended to the unfortunate practitioners of Witchcraft, and unfortunately women who are not really witches but who are old and emaciated-looking enough to pose as one.

Designed as crude but effective pain-inducing devices, a vast assortment of improvised torture tools invented during the Dark Ages were indeed supreme manifestations of the sick, depraved Christian mind. Colluding hand-in-hand with the monarchies of medieval Europe, tortures, Inquisitions and other unspeakable crimes were potential breeding grounds for robed sadists in the name of Jebus.

Before I begin to expound further the "virtues & awe-inspiring" qualities of Christian torture, I will like to take this opportunity to advise those weak-hearted readers to turn away. This post is not one for the faint-hearted.

1. "The Pope's Pears"



Lovely name, complete with the blessings of the pope: It comes with three modified variations: The vagina, the rectal and the oral pears. The vaginal pear was applied on women who were alleged to have sex with the Devil or similar evil-sounding demons, while the rectal pear was used to rip up the anuses of passive homosexuals. The oral pear is good at silencing blasphemers, non-Christians and other "invalid" denizens of Christian Europe.

The Pope's Pear is one of the Christian torturers' favorite toy: Sharpened at the tip, fat in the middle and affixed with a screw, it can be shoved into a human orifice (Vaginal, rectal, or oral. Take your pick!): The torturer turns the screw, widening & stretching the organ until such time that the organ is stretched beyond its elasticity: Rupture occurs, and death inevitably ensues from a tremendous loss of blood.

Depending on the whims of the torturer, the Pope's ignominious Pear can be widened as slowly as possible to prolong pain.

The Pope's Pear indeed. What a pain in the ass!!!

2. The Judas Cradle


Aptly named after the treacherous 13th disciple of Jebus, the Judas Cradle performs a similar, gruesome task as the Pope's Pear: The "Cradle" itself is fashioned as a stool, the only difference being that instead of having a flat top to rest your ass, the Cradle ends with a point. The victim is unceremoniously raised by a pulley device and then lowered to allow the vagina or anus to "rest" at the point.

Just to increase the "fun", weights can be hung on the victim. Rocking the cradle intensifies the pain significantly. Alternatively, the torturer can blunt the point to minimize damage and prolong pain.

Jebus sure loves a good cradle!

3. The Holy Trinity


A somewhat innocuous crime, the idea that verbal insults against God should be punished was taken to the extreme.

Cue the Holy Trinity: The iron mask is heated, and after it is red hot, the mask is then applied to the face of the unfortunate victim. The iron mask is then allowed to simmer, to the chagrin of the poor victim, and then removed, along with the victim's eyeballs and skin, now etched firmly onto the dreaded mask.

To add an exquisite touch to an otherwise awful treatment, red hot pincers are used to remove the victim's tongue.

A wonderful invention for torturers who do not wish to kill their victims, but would rather maim the victim so as to kill two birds with one stone: The victim's permanent handicap becomes a burdensome liability to the family, and the permanent damage serves as a permanent remainder to others of the lethal consequences of a loose tongue.

Holy Ghosts, anyone????

4. Human Barbecue In the Name of Jebus

Hell In A Cell: An Ignominious End at The Hands of The Christian Sadist

While a Christian's demented figments of imagination may lead him or her to incredulous flights of heavenly fancy, a Christian's version of hell is by no means imaginary.

The "slow burn", a fire-based treatment used to roast heretics, atheists and other infidels who are simply too "evil" to even earn a quick reprieve in death, was also quickly deployed to deal with the "witches' problem".

The victim is hoisted and dipped into the fanning flames of a bonfire, roasting him slowly, but surely, instead of burning him to death all at once. Great crowds would invariably arrive to celebrate the carnage, and even kings are obliged to attend.

The Missionary Way: Torture, Murder & Carnage In the Name of Christ

While it is quite unlikely for missionaries to inflict torture upon the hapless masses by themselves, their ability to beguile and hoodwink the higher echelons of society meant that they were capable of manipulating politics with unbelievable ease.

While today's missionaries are no longer apt to such indulgences (no doubt, given the chance, they will), they are still a thorn in the ass of society: Preaching nonsensical, biblical immorality alongside obnoxious piety in an increasingly secular and technologically advanced world is the surest way for society to once again lapse into another Dark Age.



1. "For 1500 hundred years, the Christian Church systematically operated torture chambers throughout Europe. Torture was the rule, not the exception. Next to the Bible, the most influential and venerated book in Christian history was the Malleus Maleficarum (Hammer of Witches), which was a step-by-step tutorial in how to torture 'witches' and 'sorcerers'."

-David Mills (Science Shams & Bible Bloopers, p361)

2. "If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned."
– (John 15:6).