NOAH'S ARK: A FLIGHT OF SUPERNATURAL LUNACY

It is often claimed by religious fundamentalists that the individual religions and scriptures they subscribe to contains unerring, unadulterated wisdoms or pearls, if you will, of pure truth, and that fables written of this nature are to be regarded literally as truth, no matter how illogical and unfathomable these fables maybe.

Jonah's trip to a fish's guts: Now I wonder if that is a fish or a whale........hmm.....

Stories of the supernatural, such as Man being swallowed by a fish (Fishy tale of Jonah being swallowed, and curiously not chomped into itsy-bitsy pieces, by a giant fish), and of course, the topic of discussion today: Noah's Ark, is being pandered about as truth.

To give credibility to the story, some of the more religious folks have even resorted to carrying out "scientific, archaeological expeditions" to find out about purported arks that have mysteriously turn up at mountain tops, the most famous being the supposedly exposed "structure" of the ark at Mount Ararat.

Given such a hard sell, is it any possible then, that the Noah's spin could have ever happened?

Noah's Ark: The Story

All aboard! First deluxe cruise for Man and Beast (Let's just hope they don't start eating each other up for breakfast........)

Before I begin, it is important to perhaps illustrate what the bible has to say about the ridiculous flood story that may, if found true, destroy much of the earth's surface, and with it much of flora and fauna on planet Earth.

According to Genesis Chapters 6-9:

1. God had, after some time, found man's behavior to be obnoxious enough to deserve a planet-wide Armageddon (Gasp! So much for a benevolent God!), and that all, except one lucky bunch, Noah and his family, were to be spared from a rather deadly deluge of water.

2. God told Noah to construct an ark, and to bring with him his wife, and his sons Shem, Ham, and Japheth, and their wives. Additionally, he was told to bring examples of all animals and birds, male and female. In order to provide sustenance, he was told to bring and store food for both man and beast.

The exact verses:

"Of every clean animal, take with you seven pairs, a male and its mate; and of the unclean animals, one pair, a male and its mate;

Likewise, of every clean bird of the air, seven pairs, a male and a female, and of all the unclean birds, one pair, a male and a female...."

"Of all other living creatures you shall bring two into the ark, one male and one female, that you may keep them alive with you.

Of all kinds of birds, of all kinds of beasts, and of all kinds of creeping things, two of each shall come into the ark with you, to stay alive.

Moreover, you are to provide yourself with all the food that is to be eaten, and store it away, that it may serve as provisions for you and for them."

3. According to the bible, the length of the Ark would have been some 300 cubits, roughly 450 feet.

4. And so the flood fell upon Earth for 40 days and nights, until the highest mountains were submerged in water. After an astounding 150 days , the Ark came to rest on the mountains of Mount Ararat.

5. As the waters continued to recede, after about seventy more days the hilltops emerged. Noah sent out a raven which "went to and fro until the waters were dried up from the earth." Next, Noah sent a dove out, but it returned having found nowhere to land. After a further seven days, Noah again sent out the dove, and it returned with an olive leaf in its beak (How that olive tree survive underwater for more than 150 days, hell, only Zeus knows!), and he knew that the waters had subsided. Noah waited seven days more and sent out the dove once more, and this time it did not return. Only then, did Noah and his family, along with the incredibly stressed-out animals, leave the Ark (which by this point must have been one hell of a mess and hell hole).

6. Just to add a touch of bloody humor, God has the temerity to hang a rainbow in the clouds like some parody of a sick joke, and saying, "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

Nice touch, God. Seriously, try to imagine Hitler pasting pictures of rainbows outside each and every gulag camp he had painstakingly built across Europe. Must have been a welcome sight for tortured souls.

A Sensible Analysis On the Implausibility of Noah's Bullshit Story

Now that we have a slighter better understanding of the incredible fable-cum-slaughtering odyssey, we may begin to examine and discern the details of these events critically, from a scientific point of view of course, and seriously debunk the notion that not only do such a cataclysmic flood of such a global nature couldn't have happened, Noah and his family could not have achieved the incredible feat of keeping all these animals under one roof (or one Ark) successfully for more than 150 days.

1. Building the Ark

Assuming that Noah didn't have access to modern metallurgy, Noah's putty Ark would have to be made of wood. Given the ridiculous length of 450 feet ( very lengthy indeed, by ancient maritime standards), an Ark of this proportion would have been suspect from a seaworthy point of view. Without the aid of iron straps or other self-sealing mechanisms, the Ark would most likely resemble a bath tub than a ship of any sort.

Unless Noah could have access to a modern day pump (or a series of pumps, to be precise), Noah's ark would have to be converted to a submersible before it could even be considered a sea-faring vessel.

2. Magnitude of the Flood

A "flooding" Episode of Noah's Odyssey would have resembled something like this... could Noah's Ark have survived such a tumultuous episode?

The bible speaks of a flood that would have "covered the highest mountains", and if we are to take the scriptures literally, Mount Everest would be the marking point where the floods would have exceeded.

Hydraulic Power: Noah's wooden Ark was not built to withstand such a pounding.

To call such a disaster a "flood" would be a complete understatement: The waters that would have fallen to "cover the mountains" would have required a volumetric rate that would almost resemble a bloody hydraulic drill!

In short, unless the Ark was made of titanium or other forms of super-annealed metal, the deluge of water would have punched enough holes into the Ark to sink it within a matter of secs, let alone the 150 days of transversing the flood waters.

Obviously, the scripture writers had no inkling with regards to Mount Everest, and the idea of force would definitely not have dawned upon this addle-brained fools of the lord.

3. Where did all the Water Come From?

Another knotty problem that Creationists have difficulty unraveling is the presence of such a massive amount of rainfall: Even if all the polar caps at both the north and south poles were to melt simultaneously, all seven continents couldn't have possibly flooded to the high mountains, let alone the amount of atmospheric moisture in the clouds that were supposed to pour down all within the space of 40 days.

Just how do Christians counter this rather innocuous argument?

Well, according to one theory (Point to note: This is not a scientific theory, as there is no scientific evidence to warrant this), a layer of canopy was supposed to "suspend" water in the atmosphere until, well, someone with the title of "God" decides to rapture the damn canopy (Damn those raptures!).

Before we dismiss this cock-and-bull story, maybe a few questions could be raised:

i. What was the canopy made off? Rubber canvas? How could it possibly hold so much water?

ii. Did God punch holes into the canopy so that it could "leak" like some old leaky pipe, or did he just grab a pen knife and cut a slit on the rubber canvas?

iii. If there really was that much water in the atmosphere, wouldn't the atmospheric pressure be far higher than we experience today? If that is so, oxygen and nitrogen levels would have been built up to toxic levels quite easily, and wouldn't that kill off most life on the planet before God had the chance to kill even a bloody mouse?

iv. What about light? How much light would have been filtered off by the firmament of water before it reaches Earth? How could plants survive on such paltry rays of light? Well, I guess plants of that era didn't exactly photosynthesize, maybe they just made food from reading bible scriptures!!!

And then, of course, there is the Hydroplate theory, which fairs worst: Huge bodies of water trapped within the Earth's crust is suddenly raptured (Damn the raptures! What's with these bible writers anyway? Too much hymen fixation???), water shoots into the sky, and falls down as rain!!!

So much for Christian science.

4. The Animals: Traveling Impossible Distances?

Assuming that the Ark could fit every damn land animal and bird in pairs and in sevens, one would think that these animals may actually not have found their way to Noah's cramped Ark.

Polar Bears: We need Ice, Not Floods!

Noah's location would have been somewhere near or in the Middle East, and one would assume that animals, such as polar bears, would have a torrid time trying to locate the ark. Try imagining this: The polar bear has to track, by sea, from the Arctic regions, to mainland Europe/Asia, and then trudge by foot to central Asia. The distance aside, the gradually-warming weather and the need to find suitable food would have killed off the polar bears before they even have the honor being killed off by the floods.

Yes, God....What? Travel to Noah's Ark? Leave me alone, you sick freak!!!

O..k..I...am....mak..ing.....my...way....to....No..ah...'s...ark...next...mi..len...nia

Penguins: Too short and stubby for trekking?

And it is not only the polar bears who will actually struggle in the massive heat of the middle east. The slow-as-snails sloth is not going to inch any nearer towards Noah from the South Americas, let alone swim across the Atlantic Ocean! And the half-dreamy koala bears from the Australian Continent couldn't possibly have made it without lugging their precious eucalyptus leaves (Koala bears are fussy eaters)! Oh, and those poor penguins with their pudgy stomaches and shorty legs....wouldn't have made much sense making them walk overland, eh?

In short, even if the animals were somehow "enlightened" to travel to Noah's location, most of these animals would not have been well suited to make their respective journeys. Either the journey or the severe weather, or a combination of both, would kill them off before the flood had been initiated.

5. Logistics and Overloading

Given the sheer numbers of animal species, the ability of the ark to hold even the minimal required numbers would have been a Herculean challenge.

According to the Bible, Noah was instructed to carry "clean" animals in numbers of 7; birds, beasts and "creeping things" in pairs.

Assuming that "creeping things" imply insects, then by conservative estimates, Noah would have had at least ten million species on board, and two-thirds of them would have been insects.

Noah and his accursed family would have to be extremely brilliant biologists to keep all these animals and insects from going crazy from being cramped together into the putty boat.

Space considerations for these animals would have to include caging space, and space for these unfortunate creatures to exercise. Given the dimensions of the boat, one would consider space to be of optimum premium.

Look out!!! Incoming Bullshit On Board!!!

Besides the obvious problem of space, Noah and his crew would be required to clear all the waste materials (i.e Shit) from the animal pens. It sounds like a mundane chore, but when you have something like a couple of million different animals stuck together in a dinghy boat, sanitation can become quite a stinky problem. And as far as animals' digestive system goes, the adage "what goes in must come out" applies, flood or no flood.

To put it more succinctly, animals shit, and they aren't going to go about their business in a civilized and orderly manner, and given the sheer numbers of animals on board, I am not about to buy into the "toilet-training" routine being dished out by Noah and his small little chain gang of a crew.

Even if we assume that Noah has built an intricate flushing system for these animals, there would still be an underlying problem of cleaning these cages, and given the sheer numbers involved, cleaning would have taken up every minute of their time, and it still wouldn't be enough.

6. Food



Yet another thorny issue for Team Noah. Different animals have different, specific dietary needs: Panda bears eat bamboo shoots almost exclusively, not to mention that lions eat sheep (put them both in the same pen, and one would invariably become extinct on board Noah's hellish Ark).

As well as sourcing space to store all the food (Which again goes back to logistics), the sheer magnitude of investigating the exquisite palates of each and every single fauna on board would have been a mind-boggling headache!

Justifying The Noah's Ark: A Tale of Deception and Wacky Theories

In sum, the Noah story is incompatible in every aspect: If one is to believe in such a supernatural tale, one would have to inject incredulous miracles to support this amazingly cruel and despotic event. In short, a desperate leap of faith.

The Rainbow: Just the Splitting of light through a prism (in this case, water acts as the prism): Not some fucking sadistic feel-good symbol of mass murder

And the rainbow story? Well, it kind of adds a warm, heart-felt touch to what is otherwise a toxic dosage of mass-murder, ecological destruction and divine insanity.