Jebus And The Amazing Snake Charmers

Snake Charmers: A Hazardous, Low-Wage Vocation.

The sight of the skinny, wiry snake charmer, clad with little else but a turban on his head and a sarong around his waist, is quite a sight to behold: His slight, almost impossibly tiny body is well-imbued with the heart of a lion, as he attempts to "charm" a snake, usually of the cobra & viper variety, out of its basket. Almost in cue and in tandem with the music (So it seems: Snakes cannot "hear", but they do feel vibrations in the air), the snake emerges from the basket, oblivious to its surrounding, seemingly fixated with the hypnotic sound of the snake charmer's flute. & if the snake charmer feels a little bit on the charmed side of life, he might even pander to his delighted crowd with a kiss on the snake's slithering mouth.

Make no mistake about it: Snake charmers really do live on the edge. Besides having a distinct lack of fear for these poisonous reptilian creatures, he must be able to comprehend the behavior and mood of the snake he handles, and learning to avoid being bitten by a swift, lightning attack from an angry serpent becomes a form of art unto itself. The art of snake handling is definitely too hot for an amateur, especially when the amateur is drunk and intoxicated with the religious alcohol of faith.

Christian Dies From Snake Bite; Family Sues Health Doctors

Indeed, handling deadly cobras, vipers and other poisonous creatures is akin to a dance with death: These creatures have evolved successfully for millions of years, and have thrived for such an incredible span of time precisely because manipulating poison works extremely well for them. Be it for defense or hunting, a snake that utilizes poison to stun and/or kill prey saves time and effort: One bite is all it needs to paralyze or kill prey (or aggressor). The art of poison is a evolutionary success, and poisonous snakes do not need a second invitation to prove it to the unwary victim.

It is therefore foolhardy to even consider handling these dangerous creatures without professional training: Some religious morons, however, think that by virtue of their "mountain-moving" faith, they can be rendered impervious to all manner of poisons, & nowhere is this stated more clearly than the Holy Babble:

"And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”

Mark 16:17-18

Apparently, Jebus had just "resurrected" from his staged "death" on the cross, and was addressing his dewy-eyed, uneducated flock of brainwashed buffoons. And it is on account of such ignominious teachings of Christ that the money-hording droves of TV evangelists and all manner of Christian crooks base their evil schemes on: Get a few morons to speak in tongues, smite them with your holier-than-thou palms, and watch them writhe and fall all over the stage. I am not kidding. These incredible charlatans, armed with nothing more than glib tongues and loads of bullshit, rely on such dubious, uncouth scribes of the Holy Babble to beguile and dupe their ignorant flocks of sheep.

& it gets worst: Whipped up in a state of religious frenzy, believers fall under the delusion that, armed with the invisible armor of faith, they too, can enjoy the protection of God's divine protection, just as Jebus had promised.

Alas, that was not to be, as these Christians found out, to the detriment of one of the faithful:

Family Sues Hospital Over Snakebite Death

As a woman bitten by a rattlesnake during a church service in London struggled to breathe, hospital employees made derogatory comments about her religious beliefs rather than providing proper care, contributing to her death, a lawsuit charges.

The case arises from the Nov. 5, 2006, death of Linda F. Long, 48, a London homemaker. Police said at the time that Long was handling a yellow timber rattler during a service at East London Holiness Church when the snake bit her on the right cheek.

People bitten by poisonous snakes during religious services sometimes refuse medical treatment. But others at that service quickly took Long to Marymount Medical Center in London.

According to the lawsuit, on the way to Marymount, someone in the vehicle called 911 at 7:46 p.m.; a dispatcher connected the call to the hospital, and the driver asked for an air ambulance to fly Long to Lexington. Hospital employees assured the Long family a helicopter was available.

A nurse met Long and those with her in the parking area outside the emergency room. Rather than take Long in right away, the nurse engaged Long and her family "in a lengthy and time-consuming series of questions" that went far beyond getting information needed to treat the snakebite, the lawsuit states.

After being taken into the hospital at 8:09 p.m., Long said she was having trouble breathing, and asked for oxygen. Hospital employees gave her a portable, oscillating fan as they allegedly "snickered and made derogatory comments" to employees -- and Long's family -- about the religious beliefs and circumstances under which she was bitten.

Her blood pressure dropped; her heart rate went up; her neck, face and tongue swelled; and she went into shock. However, a doctor failed to properly treat her and did not put in a tube to help her breathe, according to the lawsuit.

At 8:28 p.m., hospital personnel contacted the air ambulance service. When the helicopter arrived 12 minutes later, the crew asked the doctor to put in a tube to help Long breathe, but the doctor said her airway was not the problem and told the flight crew to get her to Lexington quickly, the suit says.

Long's heart stopped on the way. She was pronounced dead at 10:50 p.m. at the University of Kentucky Medical Center.

Religious Stupidity Revealed: Faith Doesn't Move Mountains

The very notion of refusing medical treatment for snake bites baffles me: Does the pious Christian really believe in the healing powers of the deity in question? If the answer is a resounding yes, I think God must be a least held accountable, provided, of course, he exists: He seems to have abused the trust of these pious fools who risk life and limb just to kiss his big, fat, obnoxious ass. If not, then the pastor or reverend who is responsible for perpetuating such steaming piles of bullshit ought to be shamed and vilified for this utter nonsense.

If the accusations alleged by these Christians are true (Which I really doubt: How many Christians tell the truth anyway?), the ambulance crew and doctors must surely be held at least partially responsible for the death of the victim, although much of it has to do with the stupidity of the victim who, in the midst of a whipped up religious fervor, ignored the butterflies in her stomach and chose to ignore her gut feeling, handling a poisonous reptile that doesn't like to be manhandled in the first place. Let's not forget the Church too, for propagating such snake-handling sessions, which really says a lot about how religion and stupidity, plus an obnoxious dose of faith, does to human brains.

Suing the hospital staff aside, why is no one suing the church for negligence? Why were untrained persons allowed to handle extremely dangerous snakes without due supervision?

Lawsuits and apportioning blame aside, one thing is certain: Faith doesn't move mountains. Any pastor who thinks that faith can make you impregnable to poison should get himself bitten by a viper or some vicious, poisonous snake, and just to make it more interesting, the bite should be located in a sensitive region, preferably near the ass or the crotch.


"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan