I tell myself I really don't care...

[This is a re-post from one of my other blogs. -Larro]

...about some of my family on my mom's side of late but I feel I have to get some thing's off my chest. It's quite likely some of them will be reading this post (and that's the part I really don't care about).

My grandmother recently passed away at a ripe, long-lived age of 85. She was a pillar of our family and had experienced many a trial and tribulation along the way. She was a victim of domestic abuse and buried one of her sons. In her later years one of my aunts moved in with her. Initially my grandmother was in fair health at that time and one could describe their ongoing relationship as doting from my grandmother and needy from my aunt (you'd think it would be the other way around). But as my grandmother's health waned one would think that these roles would have shifted...fat chance. I'll describe an incident that happened at the hospital as my grandmother was in critical care. My aunt, while in the waiting room, was relating that my grandmother had left some tidbits of food lying at her computer desk in small bowls and was getting disgusted at the smell emanating from my grandmother's room in the few days my grandmother had been in hospital. Guess what? Clean the fucking shit up!

To add to this story; my grandmother signed off her house to my aunt at some point after her moving in. And my grandmother was paying $100 in rent IN HER OWN HOUSE! I can't blame her for wanting to help with living expenses and not wanting to be a free-loader but if I were in that position (as my aunt) that money would have gone to pay for her funeral arrangements (which none were made). Maybe I could fault my grandmother for leaving the family with the responsibility of taking care of everything after her dying but I wasn't the one charged with taking care of her wishes after her death. Who was? I haven't a clue.

I loved my grandmother and the only thing that kept me from visiting her on a regular basis was the presence of my aunt at that house. Harsh? Selfish? Maybe. Maybe I could have just totally overlooked that living arrangement with my grandmother confined largely to her own bedroom and my aunt a permanent fixture in her easy-chair. Do I feel derision? Sure. Was I concerned and unhappy with that arrangement? You bet. Yet, I am one among many of my grandmothers grandchildren (thirty plus).

What place have I to intervene? My grandmother was not senile nor having dementia. She was in her right mind right up until the end of her life and in everyway leading up to it. So I can't help but assume that her living arrangement with my aunt (and her husband; I forgot to mention that part) was acceptable.

Mentioning my aunt's husband...

To be honest I initially didn't want to go to her funeral but my respects were due. Why didn't I want to go? It was largely to do with any number of circumstances but the primary reason was her particular church that the ENTIRETY of the service was being held (with no remains present). I know this is not unusual in the least; to have your funeral service held at the church you attended but as I came to realize I probably should have just stayed home or better yet celebrated my grandmother's life with my own mother and immediate family. The service turned out largely to do with sermonizing and least to do about my grandmother. To be honest I didn't expect anything less. Sure, there were tidbits thrown in here and there mentioning my grandmother and her life experiences and some quips about certain comical circumstances that occurred in her life (that everybody there had a heartfelt chuckle at) but it seemed to me that the vast majority of the service was spent extolling the church. It's quite likely that she may have (or did) envision her funeral service in this way (which is very likely). Can I fault that? No.

Back to mentioning my aunt's husband...at the end of the service there was a luncheon arranged there at the church but my immediate family didn't want to stick around for that (I didn't). We had decided that we might go out for our own lunch at a restaurant. After we'd left, my aunt's husband, apparently, walked up to my other aunt and stated: "'They' are gone...laughed through the whole service". Uh...who are "they"? Those "black sheep"? Quite likely "they" are them atheists (which we are with some agnostics). Maybe he just meant "they" as being my mom and her family. But I have a hard time agreeing with that.

Laughing? Laughing at my own grandmothers funeral!?!? What!?!? As if my own grandmothers death was a complete joke?

...

Beyond the pale! Beyond any kind of respect I want to show to that kind of person.

Lying. Bald-face lies. We did NOT show any sort of disrespect that that lie connotated. Would any deserving Christian bring themselves to lie in this way? Apparently HE did. And would any deserving Christian BELIEVE it? If they do then I can not call them family nor friend.

The vast majority of my family know that "we" are atheist (and agnostic) largely knowing that my mother is a semi-out atheist. I may be looking too deeply into the motivations behind this lie but I must say that there were certain instances that got me wondering. During one particular segment of the service the pastor asked that everybody bow their head in prayer and that once the prayer was finished had asked that everybody (without raising their head) raise their hand if this was the first time they had uttered this prayer; to which he could look around and see who had raised their hand. Guess who hadn't had their head bowed? Atheists don't pray (that's a given). So what! If this was indeed a way to see who wasn't praying (and I'm not saying that it was) then who cares? "We" were there at that church service honoring my grandmother's funeral like every other family member.

But I must get back to this lie. Under any other circumstance I could really care less. But this was my grandmother's funeral and I was accused of laughing throughout as if the whole thing was a joke. I'm taking this quite personal and philosophical. During the service there was quite a bit about "evangelizing" and getting a new member to join the church in my grandmother's stead...to take her place in the church. Yet, how on earth did my aunt's husband (and by extension my extended family and their church) seem inviting by lying (and possibly accepting this lie) about such an occurence? What a way to win over converts!?!

It is absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, no wonder I am an atheist.

MY FIRST LOVE: MY CHRISTIAN GIRLFRIEND

This is sort of a response to Vjack’ s post yesterday over at:

Atheist Revolution

When I was in my mid-teens, I started dating a black “Christian” girl, who was a year older than me. I had fallen head over heels for this cute little black sassy thing. It was love at first sight, I would guess. The day I met her, the first questions she ask me was how old am I, and which church I attended. I answered 15 to the first, and none to the second. She replied: “you don’t go to church; what kind of nigger are you – you’re just like all of the other high-yellow niggers; you think you’re too good to go to church, don’t you?” I simply replied: I just don’t do the church thing. She then said: “Maybe I’ll just have to kidnap you, and take you with me to my church.” As the weeks went by; we had developed a great relationship. She would call me on the phone at about 11 o’clock in the evening most every night. And I would pick her up on my motorcycle on the corner by her house. This went for months before her father finally caught her, creeping out of the house at night to meet me. Later that night, after our failed rendezvous; she called me about 1am. She said after her dad had caught her sneaking out the back door; he then told her, he’d know she had been doing this for months. And he only wanted to meet her mystery boyfriend, and see who she was sleeping with; and meet the father, of his future grandbabies.

I wasn’t much up for meeting this family of black church folks. Over the next 3 weeks, I was invited to her house about 10 or more times. I always managed to find some excuses or another; until one Saturday night, her dad called me himself and invited me to go to church with him, and the rest of family. He said; after which, we would return back to his house for Sunday dinner. He said: come by the house, at 8am the next day, so I could ride with them to church, and we could talk on the way (I thought, 8am on a Sunday morning; this guy’s got to be out of his fucking mind!) I told him I had to help my dad that next morning, but I would stop by that evening for dinner.

I awoke about 11:30am that next morning, and asking myself just what the fuck, I had gotten myself into. I spent the next 3 hours, psyching myself up for this date with her family. I arrived at the house about 4pm that evening; and was met at the door by my girlfriend. Who gave me a big huge and a kiss, (not knowing it would be my last) she then escorted me into kitchen where her kinfolks were all gathered around cooking dinner, and all talking about what happened at church that day. As she seated me at the table, directly across from her father; as I was being seated, I couldn’t help but notice, all the good smells of the food that they were cooking on the stove, and including the sounds of chicken frying in the skillet.

The room was so noisy; I could hardly make out anything that they were saying. I couldn’t even hear my own self think. About this time, a crusty old looking woman yelled out, “Did you see how that skank-bitch was dressed today at church, and how she was looking at pastor? I just know, that little whore don’t think pastor wants to fuck her?” they all seemed to be talking bad about the folks, they were all just at church with (I thought to myself; what a lovely Christian family). About that same time, another old crusty fat wench, walked over to the table, and looks at me and said, “So this is the boy you’ve been fucking? He looks like a little half-white bitch to me!”

As she finally introduced me to her dad; it felt to me like I’d been setting there for hours, but it had only been a minute or so. Her dad said: so you’re the one who’s been dating my daughter. The next question was; what church do you go to boy? For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to make eye contact with this heathen; so I simply looked at the floor and said: I don’t do the church thing. As the room got a little quieter, and as he reached across the table, and as he grasp both of my arms with his sweaty hands; he looked me in the face and said in a soft voice: son, don’t you know Jesus loves you, and he died for you? As I sat there in almost a state of shock; and feeling both mentally molested and violated. I told him: I just don’t believe all that stuff, and I’m an atheist.

At that moment, a deafening silence fell over the whole room – for a few moments, no one said a word. I even thought the chicken, which was cooking on top of the stove, had stopped sizzling in the skillet, and was somehow listening too. About this time, when you could have heard the sound of one hand clapping; her father looked at me and said: you’re a what? You’re a goddamned ATHEIST? YOU GET YOUR DEVIL WORSHIPING ASS THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! Then the crusty old wench said to the girl: “you keep fucking him; you’ll give birth to the devil himself!” Then as her dad got up from the table and left the room; I started making my way to the front door. Her dad stepped in front of me, before I made it to the door, and pointed a shotgun in my face and said: “if I ever, even hear about you even talking to my daughter again, I’ll send your ass to hell, so you can be with your father Satan - you little devil worshiping bitch.”

Needless to say, she and I weren’t on good terms after that. Some good things came out of this however; from that day forward, when I was asked about my beliefs, or what church I attended. I never sidestepped the issue again.

The next time I seen my ex-girlfriend, was about ten years later. She was now a mother, and had given birth to 4 children, and now weighed more than 300 pounds, and was big fat and ugly. After seeing her, I had one of those theists’ moments; I look toward the sky, and raised my hands in the air, and said: THANK GOD IT WASN’T ME!

John_poson26

GOING BACK TO THE PAST TO SAVE JESUS: MY NIGHTMARE! PART III

After watching the movie Back To The future II; I started having this reoccurring dream. Night after night I dreamed that I had stolen the time traveling car, went back to 20 AD, or so, and tried to murder Jesus before his 33 AD date with the cross. This dreaming went on for weeks; most of the time when I did find Jesus, he was engaged in wild gay sex and orgies with his disciples. In 2 or 3 of the dreams; I was ass-raped, and then killed by them. It’s been many years since these dreams had ended; however, about two weeks ago, while sleeping this nightmare returned. This time I finally got him in the heart with a crossbow.
When I returned to the 80’s? The world had become almost totally Islamic, with a few Jews here and there. They were stoning and burning atheists, on almost every street corner. The infighting between Muslim sects had a daily death toll of over a 1000, just in my city. There were no modern city’s or towns; no electricity or running water, no cars or buses, no hospitals, or clinics, and. people’s teeth where rotting out of their heads.
When I finally located my home, I found my mom wearing a sheet, covering her from head to toe. She didn’t even recognize me, my sister had been married at the age of 11, and now was 17, and had given birth to 7 children, 3 of which, had survived.
Realizing I had made a major fuckup; so I decided to go back in time to the day, or so, before I’d killed this fucking prick; and somehow, prevent myself from killing him.
(To be continued).


_____________________________________________________________________________________



Part II
As I made my way back to the car, which I had hid on the outskirts of town; as I was making my approach, I discovered about a dozen or so Muslims, had happened upon it, while returning home, from Morning Prayer. They didn’t seem like the aggressive types at first; so made my final approach, with keys in hand. When I finally entered the vehicle, and started preparing it for time travel; I notice they were all circling, and surrounding me, with spears, and rocks in their hands. So I decided to move the car, to a safer place before continuing. When I started up the car, and as the headlights came on; they all dropped to their knees, and started worshiping (the car, myself, or both)? As I sat there in amazement, feeling both relived, and disgusted. Almost about the same time, the light came on in my head (I don’t have to save Jesus; I just needed to kill Mohammad too)
.
I knew this thief, con-artist, and psychopathic fucking liar; was living in exile, somewhere in a cave, in the Middle East - in his place in time. So I programmed the car, and headed back to the past, to do the deed. When I arrived; I realized this would not be such an easy task. There were just too many others like him; who had all been run out of town, and most, for much the same reasons. When I finally found him; he was in a corner of his cave, and completely covered in his own shit. Moaning, and babbling on about Allah; while engaged in sex, with a very large sheep. So I decided to kill him, right there on the spot. As I as leaving, I turned around to have one final look; he was dead aright, and his sheep was standing over his dead body, and seemed to be crying. At this point, I said out loud: (so these where the types of Angel(s) who you where talking, and listing too; as you spent your 40 years here, while scheming, plotting, and planning in this cave)?


As I was walking back to the car, both tired, and mentally drained; I started wondering what kind of world, I’d find this time, when I returned. So I started the car, and headed for the 80’s again. When I returned back to my own time and space; the world had definitely changed! As I exited the car, the first thing I noticed was, the air was so fresh and clean. As I looked towards this pristine blue sky; there were all sorts of strange looking vehicles, flying in the air, and making their way across the sky. As I made my way into the city; the first thing I noticed, was, all the cars and buses, were all floating above the ground. About half the people I was seeing, looked like North American Indians, and all the rest, were of every other race, on the planet. They were all using some sort of advanced communication devices; most were speaking into, what looked like hand held computers. And there were holographic signs, everywhere. I was much relived to discover, they all spoke English. So I began asking directions, to the nearest library.


When I arrived at the library, and sat-down at one of the many computer terminals, I noticed there where many strange looking interfaces, that I’d never seen before. As I pulled out, this dusty old keyboard, and mouse; the children who were using other computers, all started laughing at me, and asking me “why wasn’t I using the thought processing unit.” This appeared to be the round rings; they all had placed on top their heads. As I continued using the mouse and keyboard; I thought if this computer started reading my thoughts right now, I’d crash the whole fucking system for sure!
As I started reading about the history that I had created; above the screen, there was a news banner stating: Albert Einstein’s latest scientific breakthrough, read more. I thought; Albert Einstein? This is the mid 1980’s, and he’s long been dead. As I continued my research; I soon discovered, this new world, had almost totally evolved without superstition, and ignorance. And had became so advanced; that over a 1000 years ago, people had began living, to well past150 years. As I started looking up things by dates; I became confused at first. Then I discovered; they were all using the Jewish calendar. So to keep this simple, here, I’ll use the Christian one.



In about the year 300 AD; and after the first Jewish enlightenment, most Jews had abandon most of their old myths, and superstitions, and started exploring the world through science. And by late 400 AD, and after discovering oil, in both Iraq, and Iran, they began building modern cities, and towns, schools and universities, hospitals…etc. And this technology had quickly spread, worldwide. There had been no wars, no racism, discrimination, or any of the other types of things, which comes along with religion. And by the end of the first millennium; they had solved all the problems, we’re still dealing with today. As I remained there in the library, still gloating over this almost perfect world, I had helped create; I stared wondering about my mom, dad, and siblings; and how they were now doing. So I left the library, and started a search for my home.




Part III

When I arrived at my home, and as I was exiting the car, up walked a childhood friend, who started asking me questions about the car. As I ask him: don’t you recognize me? I’m your friend John; he then said to me: “the only friend I have named John, lives here in this house, you’re parked in front of.”As this kid started back on his way; I realized, this was the 80s; and this guy should have been about 25 by now, not 12. As I looked over at the house, under the welcoming sign, my family’s name was still the same. About this same time, I noticed my strange looking car and me, was drawing a large crowed of people. So I decided to return to the spot, just outside of town; where I had popped through time, and try to sort, all this out.


As I arrived back at that spot; I began to realize, the impact of what I had read in the library. Without the influence of Christianity; there had been no Plymouth Rock landing, and most of Europe, had became secularized after the great European enlightenment, of 426. When the Europeans did discover the Americas; they were not on some Christian theologized conquest mission; they had simply set out to explore the world. The Jews soon had followed, and with the Europeans, began educating the Indians, and building a nation (there had been no wholesale slaughter, of these people; no conquest for their land even) They had done the same in many other parts of the world, including Africa. Slavery had been globally abolished by 462; and without the influence of ignorant and delusional, bible thumping Christians, it was quickly accepted! It was then I realized, the fact my father’s ancestors, had been brought over here as slaves – I started wondering if my dad, had even been born. As I was starting to feel deeply sadden by all this; I decided to get some rest, and return to the library the next day, so I could learn more.


The next morning, as I sat down at the same computer terminal, I had used the day before, and as I start my research; the news banner was saying: fatal accident inside the Mars colony, at base #26, read more.
As I found information on both my mom and dad, I found like before, my mom had been given a certificate of human life, in the same year and place in Canada where she was born. And my dad had met her, in the same place in Vancouver BC (I guessed, my dad’s ancestors, had somehow emigrated here from Africa - instead of being stolen, like before). And they had been issued, 3 certificate of human life, for their children, including me.

I started wondering why they were calling birth certificates; a certificate of human life. As I started looking further into matter, it became shockingly clear. After the turn of the first millennium, and science was able to treat and cure almost all sickness and dieses. In about the year 1126; a team of Jewish and German scientists, made a discovery, which would further change the course of human history. They developed a system; by which human embryos, could be made from the blood cells of the parents. During this process, the DNA could be stripped of all it’s undesirably traits; like the predisposed genetic fuckups, we all see today. The parents could even decide, if they wanted a boy, or a girl. How tall they’d be, and so on (folks of the likes of Glen Beck, and friends; where never even conceived of). And these embryos where all gestated, for nine months in labs. Then the tube was drained; the baby was then slapped on its ass, and presto! Your new baby. Laser bar coding, insured none were lost, or misplaced, and they were all implanted, with lifetime birth control devices (and people were soon enjoying sex, just for the fuck of it).

This method of child bearing wasn’t widely accepted at first. But without the likes of pure ignorance, of the Christians, and folks like the Pope; women all over the world came to realize, this was a far better option, than risking child birth; and all its complications, even death.

As I started to realize; I had no place in this new world. I had no family, no friends, or anyone, and as I was starting to feel hopeless; then I heard a little voice speaking in the back of my head, saying, “look you asshole; can you think of a more honorable cause, to give your life for.”So I pulled myself together, and headed back to a place in time; where there lived a race, of small hobbit like people in Asia, who had all died out; within 500 year, after I would had arrived. And just live out the rest of my days; knowing that my family, and even my own children, would all be just fine.

The end,

John_poson26

GOING BACK TO THE PAST TO SAVE JESUS: MY NIGHTMARE! PART II

After watching the movie Back To The future II; I started having this reoccurring dream. Night after night I dreamed that I had stolen the time traveling car, went back to 20 AD, or so, and tried to murder Jesus before his 33 AD date with the cross. This dreaming went on for weeks; most of the time when I did find Jesus, he was engaged in wild gay sex and orgies with his disciples. In 2 or 3 of the dreams; I was ass-raped, and then killed by them. It’s been many years since these dreams had ended; however, about two weeks ago, while sleeping this nightmare returned. This time I finally got him in the heart with a crossbow.

When I returned to the 80’s? The world had become almost totally Islamic, with a few Jews here and there. They were stoning and burning atheists, on almost every street corner. The infighting between Muslim sects had a daily death toll of over a 1000, just in my city. There were no modern city’s or towns; no electricity or running water, no cars or buses, no hospitals, or clinics, and. people’s teeth where rotting out of their heads.

When I finally located my home, I found my mom wearing a sheet, covering her from head to toe. She didn’t even recognize me, my sister had been married at the age of 11, and now was 17, and had given birth to 7 children, 3 of which, had survived.

Realizing I had made a major fuckup; so I decided to go back in time to the day, or so, before I’d killed this fucking prick; and somehow, prevent myself from killing him.

(To be continued).

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Part II

As I made my way back to the car, which I had hid on the outskirts of town; as I was making my approach, I discovered about a dozen or so Muslims, had happened upon it, while returning home, from Morning Prayer. They didn’t seem like the aggressive types at first; so made my final approach, with keys in hand. When I finally entered the vehicle, and started preparing it for time travel; I notice they were all circling, and surrounding me, with spears, and rocks in their hands. So I decided to move the car, to a safer place before continuing. When I started up the car, and as the headlights came on; they all dropped to their knees, and started worshiping (the car, myself, or both)? As I sat there in amazement, feeling both relived, and disgusted. Almost about the same time, the light came on in my head (I don’t have to save Jesus; I just needed to kill Mohammad too)

.

I knew this thief, con-artist, and psychopathic fucking liar; was living in exile, somewhere in a cave, in the Middle East - in his place in time. So I programmed the car, and headed back to the past, to do the deed. When I arrived; I realized this would not be such an easy task. There were just too many others like him; who had all been run out of town, and most, for much the same reasons. When I finally found him; he was in a corner of his cave, and completely covered in his own shit. Moaning, and babbling on about Allah; while engaged in sex, with a very large sheep. So I decided to kill him, right there on the spot. As I as leaving, I turned around to have one final look; he was dead aright, and his sheep was standing over his dead body, and seemed to be crying. At this point, I said out loud: (so these where the types of Angel(s) who you where talking, and listing too; as you spent your 40 years here, while scheming, plotting, and planning in this cave)?

As I was walking back to the car, both tired, and mentally drained; I started wondering what kind of world, I’d find this time, when I returned. So I started the car, and headed for the 80’s again. When I returned back to my own time and space; the world had definitely changed! As I exited the car, the first thing I noticed was, the air was so fresh and clean. As I looked towards this pristine blue sky; there were all sorts of strange looking vehicles, flying in the air, and making their way across the sky. As I made my way into the city; the first thing I noticed, was, all the cars and buses, were all floating above the ground. About half the people I was seeing, looked like North American Indians, and all the rest, were of every other race, on the planet. They were all using some sort of advanced communication devices; most were speaking into, what looked like hand held computers. And there were holographic signs, everywhere. I was much relived to discover, they all spoke English. So I began asking directions, to the nearest library.

When I arrived at the library, and sat-down at one of the many computer terminals, I noticed there where many strange looking interfaces, that I’d never seen before. As I pulled out, this dusty old keyboard, and mouse; the children who were using other computers, all started laughing at me, and asking me “why wasn’t I using the thought processing unit.” This appeared to be the round rings; they all had placed on top their heads. As I continued using the mouse and keyboard; I thought if this computer started reading my thoughts right now, I’d crash the whole fucking system for sure! As I started reading about the history that I had created; above the screen, there was a news banner stating: Albert Einstein’s latest scientific breakthrough, read more. I thought; Albert Einstein? This is the mid 1980’s, and he’s long been dead. As I continued my research; I soon discovered, this new world, had almost totally evolved without superstition, and ignorance. And had became so advanced; that over a 1000 years ago, people had began living, to well past150 years. As I started looking up things by dates; I became confused at first. Then I discovered; they were all using the Jewish calendar. So to keep this simple, here, I’ll use the Christian one. In about the year 300 AD; and after the first Jewish enlightenment, most Jews had abandon most of their old myths, and superstitions, and started exploring the world through science. And by late 400 AD, and after discovering oil, in both Iraq, and Iran, they began building modern cities, and towns, schools and universities, hospitals…etc. And this technology had quickly spread, worldwide. There had been no wars, no racism, discrimination, or any of the other types of things, which comes along with religion. And by the end of the first millennium; they had solved all the problems, we’re still dealing with today. As I remained there in the library, still gloating over this almost perfect world, I had helped create; I stared wondering about my mom, dad, and siblings; and how they were now doing. So I left the library, and started a search for my home. When I arrived at my home; (To be continued).