Tuesday, 1 March 2011

My Higher-Power Sheep’s-Ass Strikes Again:





Re-posted from The Dyslectic Atheist

For months now, I have been trying figure out why my higher power stuffed sheep’s-ass has been stuck on fives. The first time that I prayed to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass for a new laptop computer, that same day, I won a 500 dollar pull-tab. The next time that I wanted to buy another new computer, I prayed again to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, and within the next few days, I had won two five hundred dollar prizes on one single scratch lottery ticket for a total of 1,000 dollars – then after finding another computer that I wanted to buy, I again prayed to my higher-power sheep’s-ass for the funds to buy the new computer, hell, this time I even told my friends that my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass would come through again with the cash for my new computer, and they even laughed at me, and they said that I was the one who was stuck – “stuck on stupid,” then the next day when I won 500 dollars, and used it to pay for my new computer – one of my friends even accused me of being a Satanist, and my other friend simply became a believer that there is power in the sheep’s-ass! But still, I wondered, just why my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, was stuck on fives?


I wondered – if it was because, I had come from a family of five (I had 2 siblings and 2 parents for a total of five). Or the fact that both my best friend and I, both have families of five (we both have 3 boys, and our wives, for a total of five?). Needless to say, this was a troubling mystery for me – then that’s when it hit me – it wasn’t my sheep who was stuck on the fives, it was me – I was only asking my sheep’s-ass for computers and other stuff that cost under five hundred dollars, and if I wanted to win more money, I simply needed to set my sights higher – I was only asking my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass for cheep computers and other stuff – it wasn’t my sheep being the tight-ass, it was me being the tight-ass, my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, was simply giving me exactly what I was asking for (cheap shit). So the next day, I prayed to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, and I asked my higher-power sheep’s ass to deal with a problem that I have been dealing with every since 2002, and among the other thing that I prayed to my higher-power sheep’s-ass that day for, were a new Macbook pro computer, a new HDTV, and a new Canon camera just like the one that Baconsbud recently received as a gift. Then this past Monday, I even told some of my friends, that my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, would be buying me a new Macbook computer this week.

My younger friend responded: “all of that stuff that you are saying that your sheep’s-ass is going to buy for you this week, all costs almost 4,000 dollars; and that stupid sheep of yours has about the same chance of coming through with the 4,000 dollars, as I have of riding a flying pig to school this next Monday” (well my little piss-head friend, its Saturday, so you better start looking for a flying-pig, for your trip to school on Monday!). and when I told my other friend – the one who has 3 boys just like me, for a total five members in his family just like me – he responded about the same as my younger friend did – this despite the fact that I had told him, that like I had said in my last post, that I was starting to understand this stuffed sheep’s-ass theist thing, and I was now ready so shoot for 5,000?


This past Thursday started out as sort of a weird day, the night before it had snowed, and it was real cold that day. Both I and my friend were real bored, so we decided to take advantage of the snowy day to work on a project that we had been putting off for months – we took a trip to a nearby town to get parts for the project, and as we were driving into this town, and we approached a cemetery just on the outside of the town, I heard a sheep barking loudly – I heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” I then asked my friend if he had heard the sheep bark too – he said that he thought the sound was simply caused by the tires running over the ice and snow – at that point I asked my friend to turn around and go back to where we had first heard the sound. As we headed back, and as we neared the gates to the cemetery again, I heard the sheep start barking again, so I asked my friend to pull the car over and park. I then got out and walked to the gates of the cemetery – and as I stood there, the sheep began barking again; I heard: “ Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa” repeated many times, and I lost count at about 12. So I walked back to the car, and we then turned around, and continued into the town, and then picked up our parts. As we were leaving the town, we decided to stop at a store and buy some groceries, and again, just like all of the times before – the wheel on the shopping cart that I was pushing, started spinning around in circles, and making a sound like a sheep barking – I heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” I had never even been in this store before, so I asked my friend to stay with our cart and our groceries while I went to see if this store had a lottery vending machine. When I found it, I again heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” So just like all of the other times before, I pulled two 20s out of my pocket, and bought two tickets. Then when we returned to the car, my friend said: “OK, you sheep-theist, so let’s see that 5,000 dollar winning ticket that you have been talking about all week now.”


So I scratched the first one, he laughed and said: “you just lost 20 dollars.” So I scratched the second one, and we both discovered that it was a 5,000 dollar winner – my friend then became real quiet, and we didn’t even say one word to each other on the trip back home.


What I have learned is to be careful what I pray for, because my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass gives me exactly what I pray for, and nothing more – so today, I started praying to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, for a 60 foot yacht, a new house and other stuff – I’ll let you know what happens


My higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass is still stuck on fives – even the winning number of the prize on the ticket, has a five in it (15).


And to my young friend, who thinks that I am a Satan worshiper, I bought you a new sweater and some other warm clothing (it’s going to be very cold, riding that flying pig to school on Monday!).