Will Jesus return this Easter Sunday? I hope so!

I recently overheard a group of Christian proselytizers, telling people that President Obama is the antichrist, and jesus will return before the end of Obama’s first term in office. An old lady replied: “is this just more of that 2012 doomsday bullshit?” The proselytizer then said: “No, I believe he’s coming back on this next Easter Sunday, so you better get ready!”

As I was still standing there wondering what would make someone believe something as silly as this? I started daydreaming about what mode of transportation jesus might use if he did return on Easter Sunday – would he arrive on a spaceship? Or would he descend from the clouds as a 700 foot tall jesus, as some have speculated he will, and would the earth stop spinning as some have said. I thought, his dad is old-school – you know, the way he killed people by flooding the earth, when he could have just spoken and poofed everyone dead? I found the logistics of this just mindboggling, but then it hit me; what would be a better day for jesus to return than on Easter Sunday. Finding all his Christians would be so easy; as most will be in church that day, and worshiping him.

About the time when I was deep into my daydream, I started hearing the voice of one of the proselytizers, who was now barking at me and saying: “you better repent and get ready bro, this maybe our last week together here on earth.”

I then put my hand on his shoulder, and looked him straight in the eyes and said: “I hope so bro; the world will be so much a nicer place for all the rest of us, when all of you deluded are people gone!”



John

Easter Sunday: Beware the Voyeur Jebus

Its the time of the year again: Easter Sunday never ceases to remind us of the death and resurrection of Jebus for our damn sins (It all began with a talking snake trying to sweet-talk two innocent homo sapiens into eating some fruit from a forbidden tree.....).

As an atheist myself, I have no qualms about celebrating Good Friday & Easter, or any other religious holiday, so long as it is a legitimate excuse for sloth and vindicate myself to laze on what will otherwise be just another working Friday.

Good Food and Good Wine = Cannibalism Plus Vampirism?

As for the Christians, they will be heading out to their churches with their families and church friends, most of them oblivious to the fact that Easter was actually stolen from the pagans (The Greek Goddess, Eostre, is attributed to the celebration of Easter). The idea, of course, is to eat the body of Jebus and drink his blood, both represented by a dough and wine, since both mundane items are supposedly "transubstantiated" into gory version of Jebus's slab of meat and blood. Eucharist sure is fun to begin with!!!

Ouch.........

Church celebrations aside, some folks in Philippines will be whipping themselves up into a sadomasochistic frenzy, and if you do not fancy yourself being whipped by another pious mate into bloody ribbons, you might want to stay in the confines and comforts of your home, sipping a fine glass of Bloody Mary and eating a slice of bread without sharing the Eucharist with your compatriots in Church (Who knows what fine asses those priestly hands might have been touching....).

Jebus is Watching......Porn???

In sum, enjoy thy holidays, and keep yourself in high spirits. Just be wary about doing your nefarious deeds in the privacy of your own homes.....Jebus might be watching. You know, it is his day out, so, he might be a little more voyeuristic than his usual self. And you know what he likes (Hint: Watch out for the hot gay porn in your neighborhood video store.....its flying off the shelf at twice the rate on Easter......)!

Happy Holidays!

Beast FCD