Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Every so often, I am often reminded incessantly, both online and offline, about the supposed virtues of the God-man, Jebus. Christians of all creeds and denominations revere him, even though he doesn't have much to say (as fashioned by the Gnostic Gospels of Matthew, John, Mark and Luke). Jebus, if he ever did existed, also did not leave any written works behind, and what little we know of this curiously benign, yet extravagantly lauded God-man figure of the Gospels, was that he was born to a carpenter family, and not much can be gleaned from his childhood. Of course, his indigenous disciples spread his "Good Word", though curiously they too, left no personal writings of their beloved Messiah (Apparently, illiteracy and Religion work hand in hand).
The rest, as we say, is history: He was persecuted by the Pharisees, was sentenced to die on the crucifix by Pontius Pilate, walked through the jaws of death and arose three days later, to the chagrin of his disciples and his frenzied followers, before subsequently being "beamed up" to the high heavens (Beam me up, Lordy!).
An incredibly fabulous tale, and an equally incredulous one at that. While it is easy to banish such fabrications as sheer lunacy, the belief in the Jewish superman is very much well-entrenched in almost every Christian denomination.
From cheesy, "what would Jesus do" themes to enactments of the Crucification during Easter, the myth of Jesus and his supposed morals are part and parcel of Christianity. For Christians, Jesus is indeed a paragon of virtue, held in high esteem and worshiped with ardent religious fervor.
Herein lies the million-dollar question: Can the "moral" lessons of a supposed God-man borne to a vestal virgin be of any use in a modern, 21st century setting?
In order to solve this riddle, I have decided to "fabricate" my own Jebus tales: Juxtaposing actual Jebus quotes with a more mundane, 21st century setting, I shall proceed to ignite the laughters of my infidelic fans. As for you Jebus folks who might be offended, stop and turn the other way.
1. Jebus Advocating Disobedience?
Father: Son, you should stop drinking. It ain't good for the liver.
Son (Indignant): Shut the fuck up, father, you ain't me, and you ain't gonna rule over my life.
Father (raises voice): Such manners! Pray, tell, me, what manner of friends have you been hanging around with lately?
Son (Laughs, sneers arrogantly): Damn it, father, that's none of your fucking business. After all, I shall be duly awarded for my insolence?
Father (looks on furiously, raises his hand, rather to strike): What??? How dare you! You brat........
Son (Shouts): Wait, dad! Didn't you say that I should emulate the deeds and teachings of Jebus???
Father: Yes, but what has that got to do with your outrageous attitude???
Son (takes out holy babble, and drones): Matthews Chapter19:29 says: "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life." ........
2. Jebus & The Fig Tree
Jebus (holding fig tree): I am returning this fig tree.
Florist (Examines fig tree): Oh ok, let me check.........the leaves look fine.......no worms, gee, looks pretty healthy to me. Well trimmed and proper too. Any reasons why you are returning this fig tree? After all, you bought this fig tree yesterday.
Jebus (Irritated): Are you a secular moron? Look at the fruits of this accursed fig tree! It isn't even ripening, for Jebus' sake!
Florist (smiles, trying to contain laughter): Oh.......the fruits. This is not riping season, Sir......I will suggest......
Jebus (Hot, flustered, and wrathful, smashes fig tree pot to the ground): That's it! No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever! (Mark 11.21)
3. Jebus & His Sword: Holy Vengeance?
Jebus Fan: Oh, its you, Jebus! Our messianic father figure! Such passionate, soulful eyes! And the hair........pray, dear sir, what shampoo does ye use?
Jebus (irritated): Get away from me, you moron!
Jebus fan (Looks Confused, holds out advertisement): But.......but.......didn't you write in this advertisement that you are a benevolent messiah? Why, my lord? Why the nasty diatribes?
Jebus (In an authoritarian voice): Get this in your head, once and for all: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." (Matthew 10:34)
(Jebus draws hidden sword, and cuts Jebus fan into two. Jebus is subsequently captured, charged and sentenced to life imprisonment. Praise the Lord. )
More Jebus love, anyone???