Biblical Odyssey: Wanton Sperm Spills Lead to Divine Damnation

Whenever the issue of sex and its related activities crop up as topics of discussion, all too often, religious twits have found cause to limit sex within the religious realms of "procreation": Sex, it seems, is an engaging activity only to be practiced within the confines of a state (and religion)-sanctioned marriage. Anything else that exists outside this tripartite contract between the spouse and the state, and some will also include God in this complex relationship, is considered deviant in the eyes of the Divine.

This readiness to inculcate a sense of guilt in normal, sexual activities is not merely restricted to couple sex & multiple-couple sex; even the seemingly harmless act of masturbation is seen as an affront to the Sky God! The staunchest of Christians and Catholics (& usually the dumbest of the human race) will have you know that masturbation for males leads to blindness, or hairy arms for women!

While we secular, rational folks certainly know better than indulge in some old wives' horny tale, such abhorrence and taboos against the act of sexual proclivities can only be described as extreme and horrendously self-righteous, until we begin to flip through the annals of the good old Happy Bible and begin to understand the real source behind this hostile attitude towards sex and its related issues: Contraception and birth control.

Genesis Chapter 38

In Genesis Chapter 38 verses 1-6, we learn that Judah left his brothers to settle down with a man named Hirah in Adullam, marries the daughter of a Canaanite man, Shua. Shua bore him 3 sons, Er, Onan and Shelah.

Like any good father in the semi-normadic regions of the Middle East, parents were responsible for the marriages of their sons; Judah found his eldest son, Er, a wife by the name of Tamar.


Death of Er

Unfortunately, Er did not get into the good books of the good Lord; having not yet impregnated Tamar, God struck him down in the prime of his life.

Genesis Chapter 38 verses 6 & 7 gives a brief account to this sorry episode:
6 Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death.

Unfortunately, the bible author did not specify the exact nature of his transgressions, but judging by the slew of events that followed, it is not difficult to guess why Er was killed by God's good graces.

Onan Forced to Screw Tamar; "Spills Seed"

After the unfortunate death of Er, Judah, either out of pity for his recently-widowed daughter-in-law or perhaps out of a patriarchal responsibility to carry on his blood line, decided, horror of all horrors, to order his second son, Onan, to screw his brother's widow instead (The bible does not mention that Onan did marry Tamar: Maybe that should explain why Christians tend to make up higher percentages of single, unwed mothers???)!

Genesis Chapter 38 vs 8 describes the sordid one-night stand:
8 Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother."

Onan at this point seemed unwilling to impregnate his sister-in-law; This unwillingness, however, did not stop him from screwing Tamar. This dilemma and reluctance eventually led him to choose the moderate route: He screwed Tamar in an apparent bid to placate his overbearing father, Judah, but chose to "spill his seed" and practiced the world's most primitive form of birth control in order to assuage his own aching conscience. Unfortunately, to his own detriment, for the Sky Daddy was indeed not very pleased!

Genesis Chapter 38 verses 9 & 10 describes the fate of the unfortunate Onan:

9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also.

Like his brother, Er before him, Onan had failed to impregnate Tamar, and the vengeful Gawd wasn't pleased at all with such a wanton wastage of sperm! Clearly, the stench of male chauvinism permeates throughout this tale of sexual orgy and deadly murder, all because two sons of Judah had failed to carry forth the tradition of procreation.

The story ends with Judah having sex with Tamar (Throughout this entire licentious episode, Tamar is portrayed as nothing more than a sex machine!), and hence compensated for the "sins" of his two sons; Tamar even bore him twins! If you want a good lesson in Christian morality, look no further than the Holy Bible.

"Spewing the Seed" & Other Acts Punishable by Death

Sperm Cells: Adult Humanoids That Cannot Be Wasted?

Whether it is the innocuous act of masturbation or birth control, the good book has, amongst other deeds, sanctioned disobedience by children, gay sex, working on Sabbaths and other harmless deeds as insidious, insufferable acts against the Sky God.

Quite interestingly, many Christians, when confronted by myself with these tales, tend to gravitate towards a few arguments:

1. Misinterpretation of the Holy Babble: In order to halt such pathetic excuses, I have generally resorted to posting and commenting on entire chapters of the bible instead of picking on individual verses (Which I still do from time to time to illustrate a point), just so that Christians do not have to use their "out of context" drivel on my blog.

2. The Old Testament is from the Old Covenant: Fine enough. Then stop quoting the OT for your homophobic, misogynistic justifications for your archaic practices.

3. The OT is only applicable to Jews, not Gentiles: Refer to point 2.

And it is on account of such barbaric tales that Christians are so vehemently opposed against birth control, thinking that Gawd's wrath will descend upon those who chooses to "spill the seed". The sheer stupidity of such archaic nonsense can only be perpetrated by morons who believe in such incredulous tales of murder, deceit and an unhealthy obsession with sex.




-"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistant that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel. "
[Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason]

The "Thank Gawd for Shit Campaign": A Dog's Tale

Throughout Man's gradual, arduous evolutionary journey from hunter-gatherer to the Agricultural Age and finally, the Industrial Revolution, few can argue the role of dogs as Man's intimate, eternal friend: Descendants of distinctly wild, uncouth wolves, dogs are bred precisely for their specific empathy and affinity with Man, so much so that one wonders if dogs have their own litany of prayer codes to invisible deities.

Like humans, dogs can never be sure of their status as creatures on this tipsy-turvy existence: We don't know for sure if Dogs do go to heaven, but one thing we do know for sure, shit happens to dogs too, as a certain pooch will testify.

Tina from Michigan posted this on behalf of her Black Labrador, Mister Jeb:

Jeb's Cool Looks Saved His Ass from the Dog Pound........

"My name is Jeb. I live somewhere in Michigan, not sure where, you see, I'm a dog. First I just want to say, thank Gawd for making me sooo cute and lovable, so my new master would take me away from that awful place called the 'pound'."

Shit No. 1: "Also, the pain I suffered from jabbing a stick into the back of my throat while running in the yard, I THANK GAWD for that shitty incident! Praise Jeebus!"

Shit No. 2: "Oh, and THANK GAWD for that sharp metal that practically sliced off all the pads on both of my feet, Praise all the shitty things that have happened to me, and the good!"

Jeb Thanks Gawd for his Daily Poop.......

THANK GAWD FOR SHIT! RAmen! "


Stick in throat, sliced-off foot-padding. Jebus sure hates this Black Labrador!!!

Overall Shit Factor: 7.5/10

The "Thank Gawd For Shit" Campaign

In line with the principles and ethos of Atheisthaven, I have decided to initiate my own "Thank Gawd for Shit" Campaign.

As most atheists can attest, religious folks are apt to flood us with a deluge of "Thank God for this and that" praises when things go in their way: Win a soccer match, and watch with child-like wonder as the religiously delirious lucky guy or girl jumps up and down, screaming "Thank You Lord" as if he or she has just received a ecstatic, orgasmic experience. The same goes for a patient who, instead of thanking the good doctor for saving his life, prefers to thank the cosmic godfather instead.

But, but.......reality does kick you in the teeth. Between flashes of good fortune belies a whole array of bad news and booby traps. Hurricanes sweep aside all and sundry, leaving behind a legacy of death and destruction. Dabble in the stock market, and watch as wall street crashes right before your very eyes, leaving you with a bunch of worthless paper stock options.......

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, shit happens, and when reality sinks in, do Christians and religious people take the time out to take the Lord, the Maker of the Cosmos, for the shit that has just caused them to suffer some form of irrevocable loss?

In line with this train of thought, I have decided to initiate my own "Thank Gawd for Shit" Campaign.

Rules and Regulations

Participants can post their own personal loss or shitty events in the guestbook I have created (link on the right side of this blog). Any submission will be posted on this blog; kindly note that all submissions will be subjected to minimal editing (grammar, vocabulary checks) and there will be no censorship for profanity.

For submissions to be considered valid, they should consist of the following:

1. Name of author: It need not be a real name; a fictitious pen name will suffice. The key is identification, so that readers can better relate to the sufferer of Gawd's shit.

2. Location/Nationality: The author will need to give us a rough idea where he or she is from; there is no need for very specific locations, but at the very least, leave your nationality behind.

3. Write Coherently: Minimal spelling or typo errors aside, readability is essential. Kindly proof-read before submission.

4. Submission of photos: Not necessary, but if you wish to submit photos, kindly email them to soul_686@yahoo.com

5. Follow the theme of the Campaign: For submissions to be posted on this blog, make sure you understand what the campaign means: Thanking God for Shit. We don't want to read posts of Christians thanking God for the good stuff. We want the shitty stuff. Thank you.

While it is not compulsory, it will be nice if you can end your submission with "Thank Gawd for Shit!".

6. You may post your submissions in the guestbook link; alternatively, you can email your submission at soul_686@yahoo.com

Without further ado, let's get the Shit Campaign going!

Beast

A Lesson In Piety: The Story of Job

A Despondent Job Asks God: "Why Me?"

Very often, when Christians proselytize the "good news" to us infidels, they often highlight the "love" of God: This omniscient, omni-benevolent deity, it seems, is all filled to the brim with love, so much so that he was very much inclined to send his son, Jebus, to this accursed planet so that a couple of Pharisees can engineer his death at the hands of the Romans.

While few can dispute with the emotional quality of such a "personal sacrifice", all too often, these Christians fail to realize that God of the Old Testament variety (Of course, Christians will tell you that the OT counts for squat because Jebus was the architect of a then-nascent Jebus-loving movement, but then again these Christians fail to explain why they still lug their OT or combined NT & OT bibles around; and they get all feisty when you catch them quoting scriptures from the Old Testament. Bumper.) is hardly a God of love: Morose, vindictive & often wrathful, the bible is replete with stories of God's "exemplary" love towards Man.

The story of Job illustrates God's love for mankind succinctly: Piety and love is, in the eyes of the OT God, nothing more than a cheap bet with the Devil.

God's Bet with Satan



The book of Job of the Old Testament begins with Job, a holy man of sorts. He is described as a typical bourgeois clansman: Well off financially, with 7 sons and 3 daughters (No birth control, folks!), plus a couple of thousand of a variety of cattle, donkeys and camels.

An insanely pious man, he regularly sacrifices burnt offerings (Meat, not vegetables, is the best choice. God hates vegetarians!) as penance after each family feasting or food orgy in a bid to forestall the sins of his children.

His piety unquestioned by God, Satan hence engaged in a little taunt against the All-Almighty Lord of the Cosmos: Fine, God, he's the best of the lot you say? Inflict a deluge of nasty disasters upon him, and see him curse your name in vain!

Incredibly, the God of the Cosmos fell for it, hook, line and sinker!
Job Chapter 1:6-12:
6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 7 The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

8 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

9 "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. 10 "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

12 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

With these words, our good Lord literally handed over Job's welfare straight into the welcoming arms of Lucifer.

Having secured Job's vulnerability from the hands of the Almighty God with a glib tongue, Job's fate was sealed.

In one fateful, single day, Job lost all his cattle, camels, servants and lastly, his own sons and daughters:

Job Chapter 1: 13-22 describes the mass orgy of disasters:

13 One day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

And if Job thought that God's "test" for him wasn't enough (After all, he was under severe stress and duress, and at this point he still resisted the temptation to curse the Cosmic Godfather and even managed to praise him, due his foolish piety. Poor Bastard), the worst was yet to come.

Bodily Torture Awaits for Pious Job; Wife Tells Him to Blaspheme and Die

Depiction of Job, warts, sores and all. Poor Bastard

Lucifer and a cohort of angels met God for a second round of crisis talks: God was understandably delighted that after the fire-and-brimstone treatment inflicted upon the pious Job, Job was still as besotted with him as ever. Ha! What have I told you, you ignoranamus of a Devilish Fool! I told you so!

Alas, for all his purported wisdom, God was indeed not so wise: Satan goads God further; inflict disease and pain upon the beleaguered man of Gawd, & watch him spew a torrent of abuse at the Cosmic Godfather!

Once again, God relents, much to the chagrin of the victim (and the perplexed reader, me!).

As described in Job Chapter 2:1-10:
1 On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

3 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason."

4 "Skin for skin!" Satan replied. "A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face."

6 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life."

7 So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

9 His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"

10 He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

Some attitude, I would say. God, in the inexplicable depths of his unfathomable mind, had simply cast his most pious follower into the hands of the arch-villain.

The Moral of The Story: God Loves A Good Bet, Followed by Torture

The story ends with God compensating him for his loss: The birth of a new set of 7 sons and 3 daughters (his wife survived the Lord's folly), his property and a further 140 yrs of life.

The story of Job is often cited by Christians not as a prime example of God's willful and careless behavior, but more as an example of how God "tests" the faiths of his minions with trials and tribulations. Such a barbaric twist in an otherwise atrocious story seems a tad difficult to stomach, until you stop for a moment and realize that Christians who perpetrate such nonsense are always trying to explain away natural disaster upon natural disaster when faced with the usual "why did God inflict shit" question.

The Bible: A Disturbing Book?





-It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.

Mark Twain