Monday, 21 December 2009

Christian Frogs and Mortality:

One morning two little tree frogs awoke on a tree branch over a pond, to the sounds of a Bigmouth-Bass jumping and splashing in the water. Gorge the frog said to Alvin the other frog: isn’t that the same Bigmouth fish, which devoured you’re mom, dad and most of your brothers and sisters? Alvin replied: I think so…yes that’s him; he’s the same greedy fish who’s been eating all of our friends too! Gorge thought out loud: I wish that big ugly frog eating fish would just roll over and just fucking die. Alvin quickly said to Gorge: you should never say anything like that about another one of God’s creations – God might get mad; and never let you into heaven. Gorge replied: FUCK GOD; if that big ugly frog eating fish was dead, this pond would be like you’re heavens – and besides that fact; I don’t believe in your fucking God, anyway! Alvin then said to gorge: I just don’t understand how any frog could live without Jesus; with all the dangers we face each day in our daily lives – why would anyone not accept Jesus; and besides, every frog in my family is a Christian, including me. Jesus is who keeps me alive; and I pray to him every day, and me and my family, have never missed one single Sunday Church service, in over 30,000 generations of our family. All you have to do is accept Jesus and you’ll be saved. Then if something does happen to you, you’ll go to heathen. Gorge replied: can you prove any of this bullshit that you’re saying – the only things we both know for sure is; most of your stupid Christian family has been eaten by birds and fish, including that big ugly one down there. Alvin then said: maybe, but I know their all waiting for me in heaven, and when I get there, we’ll all be together again.

As the Bigmouth Bass floated on top of the pond quietly listening to the two frogs arguing; up came hoping Alvin’s little brother, Matt. Matt said to Alvin and Gorge: praise the Lord: and good morning guys are there any tasty flies up there? Gorge replied: no Matt and we can’t get over there to our favorite Lilly-pads either; there’s a big ugly fish down there in the water, that’s wants to eat us. All at once, Alvin got this crazed look on his face and said: so you want proof Gorge, watch this – hey Matt, have you said your prayers yet today? Matt said: of course, I do every day before leaving home. Alvin then said: Matt, little brother; do you believe Jesus will protect you from that fish, if you hop over there to the Lilly-pads – there’s some mighty good tasting flies over there little brother. Matt replied: ye, yee, yes I do – in the name of Jesus; that big old ugly fish won’t mess with me. Then he hop’s into the water and onto a Lilly-pad and starts eating flies. Then the Bigmouth Bass, still observing, first looks at Matt, (his big mouth drooling) then he looks at Gorge and shakes his head, then he dives under the water, and as he jumps out of the pond, he knocks poor little Matt into the air, and eats him whole in the same jump

Gorge then said to Alvin: what the fuck, you stupid frog – what was your ignorant ass trying to do; see if the fish was hungry or not, you just got another one of your brothers killed. Why don’t you really prove you’re Christian faith to me; and jump your silly ass into the water too! Alvin then said to Gorge: I’m not that stupid; I haven’t said my prayers yet today!