Thursday, 4 October 2007

Christianity's Penultimate Gift To Mankind: Torture Tools For The Everyday Missionary

A Franciscan Missionary, Accompanied By his Favorite Ass

Missionaries: One of the most loathed, over-rated vocations heralded by the masses. The common perception of the long-suffering, ever-patient missionary, preaching the "Good Works" of the Lard, and ultimately being beaten (or sometimes eaten, depending on which way the story is told) is standard yarn spin for most Christian pastors/reverends/Sunday School hustlers, who, in a bid to drum up the "benevolence" of Christianity, will resort to just about every trick in the book to distort the real, unadulterated dark truth behind the sinister history of bible mongers.

The fact that the "Dark Ages" in Europe coincided with the height of Christian hegemony was indeed no surprise to most historians: Missionaries all over Europe were brandishing their most outlandish torture tools: The idea that infidels, heretics, and other "non-conforming" Christian sects were actually existing in the "sacred" lands of Europe's Christian majority could not be condoned by the Church. In order to wring out and destroy these advocates of the Devil, no effort was spared in snuffing out the breath of the ungodly.

With the introduction of the Malleus Maleficarum (Hammer of Witches), torture was further extended to the unfortunate practitioners of Witchcraft, and unfortunately women who are not really witches but who are old and emaciated-looking enough to pose as one.

Designed as crude but effective pain-inducing devices, a vast assortment of improvised torture tools invented during the Dark Ages were indeed supreme manifestations of the sick, depraved Christian mind. Colluding hand-in-hand with the monarchies of medieval Europe, tortures, Inquisitions and other unspeakable crimes were potential breeding grounds for robed sadists in the name of Jebus.

Before I begin to expound further the "virtues & awe-inspiring" qualities of Christian torture, I will like to take this opportunity to advise those weak-hearted readers to turn away. This post is not one for the faint-hearted.

1. "The Pope's Pears"




Lovely name, complete with the blessings of the pope: It comes with three modified variations: The vagina, the rectal and the oral pears. The vaginal pear was applied on women who were alleged to have sex with the Devil or similar evil-sounding demons, while the rectal pear was used to rip up the anuses of passive homosexuals. The oral pear is good at silencing blasphemers, non-Christians and other "invalid" denizens of Christian Europe.

The Pope's Pear is one of the Christian torturers' favorite toy: Sharpened at the tip, fat in the middle and affixed with a screw, it can be shoved into a human orifice (Vaginal, rectal, or oral. Take your pick!): The torturer turns the screw, widening & stretching the organ until such time that the organ is stretched beyond its elasticity: Rupture occurs, and death inevitably ensues from a tremendous loss of blood.

Depending on the whims of the torturer, the Pope's ignominious Pear can be widened as slowly as possible to prolong pain.

The Pope's Pear indeed. What a pain in the ass!!!

2. The Judas Cradle


Aptly named after the treacherous 13th disciple of Jebus, the Judas Cradle performs a similar, gruesome task as the Pope's Pear: The "Cradle" itself is fashioned as a stool, the only difference being that instead of having a flat top to rest your ass, the Cradle ends with a point. The victim is unceremoniously raised by a pulley device and then lowered to allow the vagina or anus to "rest" at the point.

Just to increase the "fun", weights can be hung on the victim. Rocking the cradle intensifies the pain significantly. Alternatively, the torturer can blunt the point to minimize damage and prolong pain.

Jebus sure loves a good cradle!

3. The Holy Trinity



A somewhat innocuous crime, the idea that verbal insults against God should be punished was taken to the extreme.

Cue the Holy Trinity: The iron mask is heated, and after it is red hot, the mask is then applied to the face of the unfortunate victim. The iron mask is then allowed to simmer, to the chagrin of the poor victim, and then removed, along with the victim's eyeballs and skin, now etched firmly onto the dreaded mask.

To add an exquisite touch to an otherwise awful treatment, red hot pincers are used to remove the victim's tongue.

A wonderful invention for torturers who do not wish to kill their victims, but would rather maim the victim so as to kill two birds with one stone: The victim's permanent handicap becomes a burdensome liability to the family, and the permanent damage serves as a permanent remainder to others of the lethal consequences of a loose tongue.

Holy Ghosts, anyone????

4. Human Barbecue In the Name of Jebus

Hell In A Cell: An Ignominious End at The Hands of The Christian Sadist

While a Christian's demented figments of imagination may lead him or her to incredulous flights of heavenly fancy, a Christian's version of hell is by no means imaginary.

The "slow burn", a fire-based treatment used to roast heretics, atheists and other infidels who are simply too "evil" to even earn a quick reprieve in death, was also quickly deployed to deal with the "witches' problem".

The victim is hoisted and dipped into the fanning flames of a bonfire, roasting him slowly, but surely, instead of burning him to death all at once. Great crowds would invariably arrive to celebrate the carnage, and even kings are obliged to attend.

The Missionary Way: Torture, Murder & Carnage In the Name of Christ

While it is quite unlikely for missionaries to inflict torture upon the hapless masses by themselves, their ability to beguile and hoodwink the higher echelons of society meant that they were capable of manipulating politics with unbelievable ease.

While today's missionaries are no longer apt to such indulgences (no doubt, given the chance, they will), they are still a thorn in the ass of society: Preaching nonsensical, biblical immorality alongside obnoxious piety in an increasingly secular and technologically advanced world is the surest way for society to once again lapse into another Dark Age.



1. "For 1500 hundred years, the Christian Church systematically operated torture chambers throughout Europe. Torture was the rule, not the exception. Next to the Bible, the most influential and venerated book in Christian history was the Malleus Maleficarum (Hammer of Witches), which was a step-by-step tutorial in how to torture 'witches' and 'sorcerers'."
-David Mills (Science Shams & Bible Bloopers, p361)
2. "If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned."
– (John 15:6).


18 comments:

Pyramidhead said...

Wait a min are you tell me that the christains have done horrible thing in the name of the cosmic mcmuffin! No never get out here. But wait I thought we (atheist) are the unscupulous ones! What are you saying that the bible is a FUCKING LIE! That the cosmic mcmuffin never said to kill unless they have gold,land,or can point out how full of shit they are. Their just showing the world god love and spreading his insanity. Because you can't have christainity without insanity!

Mana said...

This is a fantastic topic, especially for those Christians who still claim there is no history of violence in the Christian church. I've noticed how American Christians in particular carry the "Hitler was an atheist" card in their back pocket for every conversation (and of course those who learned about Hitler outside of Sunday school know he was a Christian). Now I can have my atheist card in my back pocket. If a Christian challenges me I will say "google the pope's pear."

AntiBarbie said...

It amazes me how many Christians don't know their own religion's history or have even actually picked up and read a Bible. It should come as no shock to them that these practices were done. The Biblical God would have given a thumbs up to this behavior anyhow. All you have to do is read through some of the Old Testament to see the blood lust he exhibits.

Modusoperandi said...

Yes, they did bad things, but you have to remember that they only did it because we are all fallen and unworthy and weak and the gunk of sin is between our toes and He works in mysterious ways and they only tried them and it was the state that killed them and they were misinterpreting the Bible and Stalin killed people because he was an atheist and in Romans it says...

concerned citizen said...

Ignorance, self righteousnesses & superstition...bad combination.

Pyramidhead said...

Let's not forget the pope pious xii who blessed fascism. I talk about the fact that Hitler was a "Christian" in one of my blogs.

Modusoperandi said...

As an aside, I saw the Pope's pears once. Wrinkly. I'll never visit the Vatican's sauna again. *shudder*

tina said...

At first, when you posted this I thought it might be a joke or something. Those are strange torture devices. Ouch.

concerned citizen said...

Thinking more on this whole torture scene/thing...it seems contradictory that the Christians who talk about the highest form of love could do these things,
BUT the truth is "The Christian Way" really is to conquer & destroy other cultures & other religions. That is their strong suit & how they got their foot in the door...Look how they conquered the ancient world...
You could only worship their one God (the one they incorporated (or stole, depending on how you look at) from the Jews (who really didn't give a hoot about anyone but themselves) You could still be a pagan if you changed from one form of paganism to another, but you couldn't be a Christian & still be a pagan. Christianity went about gobbling up other religions & cultures like Pac Man. I think this whole torture phase was a very effective way to squelch any last thoughts of dissidence from the still primitive European culture. I mean if you look at the mindset of the time people thought all kinds of pagan evil was still lurking about the fringes.

Larro said...

concerned citizen;

"...if you look at the mindset of the time people thought all kinds of pagan evil was still lurking about the fringes."

Ahem...

tina said...

Ahem... :)

concerned citizen said...

Ahem...>:]

Xuchilbara(Silent Hill 2) said...

This is pure sadism...nothing more. I really learned a lot from the 'righteous' doings of Christianity! Such a very good way to die indeed. I'd rather be branded a heretic than listen to these pompous bastards ranting about Christianity!

I'll be sure to drag their holy asses to the abyss with me...*grins*

Anonymous said...

I think you need to get your facts straight, it was the christians who were being tortured by the CATHOLICS
there is a differance between catholics and christians, Christians have a faith in Jesus, catholics believe in a religeon

Zac said...

Ok I wanted to say a few things after I had read through this stuff. I myself am christian but that isn't something that effects how I look at other people in a general sense.

1st thing there were actually multiple points in which history can consider the "Dark Ages", but the basis was simply a time period when "all" religious teachings and practices were greatly diminished, the torture practices were preformed by the "holy" Crusades, not as an everyday occurrence. Catholics are Christians, for anyone who can not put the pieces together on that, and at the time period 'killing in the name of god' or king or whomever you wanted to claim was a normal thing. The matter of Hitler being "christian" I would love to know what school you went to because I and all of my friends, 2 being not quite atheist (they now say 'some higher being/thing') all were taught the same material. Hitler was raised catholic as a child but after he left his home he never practiced it again, he merely used christ as a way to manipulate the masses (that was how he did everything, "tell them what they want to hear")

I know I have ranted for a bit, but your use of biblical reference is something I felt was very similar to Hitler's usage of words. The verse you mentioned has nothing to do with killing or burning people, it is an metaphor to show that those with God will be fruitful like a well kept plant, whereas those without will not, this does not imply a statement on financial or any such gains, merely an inner joy in life. And yes the old testament is gory and yes just like every person on this planet and whatever planets out there have life, we screw up.

if you would like to talk/debate/bitch (take whichever you like) at me then you can find me on facebook (sorry my emails are filling up too fast)

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1704712030

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with God. But his fan club, fuck me.

Anonymous said...

The "Dark Ages" (450AD-800 AD) were actually a low point of Christian power and influence. Most of Europe was pagan. Clovis (466-511) was the first major barbarian king to convert to Christianity, others gradually followed over the centuries. Historically speaking, The height of unified Christian influence was from the High Middle Ages through the Renaissance. Christianity continued as the dominant force in Europe but was not as monolithic after the Reformation. Interestingly, out side of the Papal states in central Italy, the church did not actually have the power to torture or execute. Much like the Sanhedrin depended on the Romans, the Catholic church depended on permission fron the secular rulers before they could arrest, torture or execute anyone.
Also, there are no contemporanous accounts of the "popes pear" actually ever being used. It was first mentioned in the 1600 and was attributed to a bandit who is said to have used it as a gag on his victims. There is no evidence it was ever used by authorities, let alone the Catholic church, to torture anyone. I suggest that those of you considering Atheism use more authoritative sources than this website. It's bad enough to look like a cocky douchelord and act like you know the answer to an important question that has challenged the worlds greatest thinkers. But to do it based on idiocy like Atheist Haven is to make yourself look double stupid.

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